Hairography
Updated 2009-11-27 13:33:26
Pointless previously sequence. And when it's done, Sue Sylvester's signature drum-line cue marches across the soundtrack as the Sue-POV camera stalks the ever-hapless Will Schuester down in the teacher's lounge, where he's grading sombrero-bedecked Spanish tests, or something. Sue tosses a magazine onto the table right beneath his face and cheerily opens, "Hey, fella! So, unless my recent write-up here in Splits! Magazine naming me Cheerleading Coach Of The Decade has me driven completely insane, I'm pretty sure you and I had an agreement that you were going to show me your Glee Club set list for Sectionals!" Will, looking puzzled, replies that he was under the impression she'd lost interest in the whole thing, but Sue strenuously begs to differ and notes that she'd hate to have to go to Principal Figgins about all of this, so Will promises to get her a copy of the list as soon as possible. And after a bit of business with Splits! that isn't half as amusing as that sassy little exclamation point in the magazine's title, Will voice-overs, "Here's the problem with Sue Sylvester: You never quite know where you stand." No shit, Schue. It's called "inconsistent characterization." You might want to have the show's writing staff look that one up. In the meantime, though, we'll follow along as you lead us through a series of flashbacks that demonstrate how devious Sue's been since last we saw her sweetly reading Little Red Riding Hood to her differently abled elder sister two weeks ago. In the first, Will leads the Glee Club through a dance routine until he notices Brittney filming the entire rehearsal on her iPhone, and when he asks for an explanation, Brittney goes all deer-in-the-headlights for a moment before whispering, "Coach Sylvester? Didn't tell me to do this?" Heh. In the next, Sue herself sidles up to Will in the hall and too-casually wonders whom the Glee Club will be competing against in Sectionals -- Jane Addams Academy and Haverbrook School For The Deaf, in case you've forgotten -- before too-pointedly asking if Will remembers those schools' ZIP Codes. D'oh!
Will, to his credit, swiftly connects the set list demand to the non-surreptitious taping to the ZIP Code request, and the next thing we know, he's ranting at Emma, "She's leaking our competitive set list to the other schools -- if the other glee clubs get set lists and videos, they'll know exactly how to beat us at Sectionals!" Okay. We'll go with that. For now. Emma counsels against allowing Sue to become a distraction again, some more, then mangles a cliché thusly: "If you can't take Mohammed to the mountain, then you gotta get Mohammed to bring the mountain down. To his house. Mohammed's house, wherever he's staying." Hee. Will's furrows are deep and strong, so Emma rephrases, "You should drive over to Jane Addams Academy and ask the director point-blank -- if something's going on, you'll know." "Hmmm!" Will hmmms, right before he gets whacked out of the frame by the title card.
Jane Addams Academy. As you'll no doubt recall , Jane Addams Academy is little more than "a halfway house for girls just getting out of juvie," and the elaborate network of security procedures Will must negotiate just to gain entrance to the main hall certainly backs Mercedes's assertion up, what with the multiple buzz-entry doors and the sign-ins and the temporary IDs and the enormous guard who wands him down before letting him go on his way. Meanwhile, International Recording Star Eve and her scraggedy-ass blonde wig sit behind a desk somewhere wondering, "You're a good kid, Aphasia -- why did you try to rob a bank?" Aphasia -- sassy, naturally, and just a tiny bit wonk-eyed -- of course replies, "Because, Miss Hitchens, that's where they keep the money ." International Recording Star Eve And Her Scraggedy-Ass Blonde Wig order Aphasia back to class just as Will arrives for his appointment, and Aphasia rather obviously bumps into him, leading Miss Hitchens to chide, "Aphasia! Give Mis-tah Schue-stah his wallet back!" Aphasia complies with some perfectly timed head flips, and then we finally enter the scene proper, in which Will explains the reason for his visit, and Miss Hitchens instantly takes offense. "What kind of messed-up school are you people running?" she demands. "You think that because our students are thieves and arsonists, that we're cheaters , too?" Well, it seems a reasonable assumption, yes, but my opinion matters little at this moment, because Miss Hitchens continues to steamroll right over Will and his spluttering explanations with, "Do you know that we don't have costumes, or even an auditorium? Our show choir has to practice out in the rec yard ." "This is Ohio ," she reminds him. "We have wea- thah! " Will blathers something about underfunding for the arts until Miss Hitchens states, "Look: All I know is that our choir seems to be the only thing that keeps my girls from recidivism -- it makes them feel good about themselves, and I'm not gonna cheat and risk that just so we can get a leg up on your school of privileged misfits." Will apologizes profusely for offending her, and offers to make it up to her by gifting the Jane Addams girls with use of McKinley's auditorium. "Let's have a little scrimmage at our place!" he smiles. International Recording Star Eve And Her Scraggedy-Ass Blonde Wig Plus Her Odd Enunciation Patterns fold their arms and toss him The Eye, but the next thing we know...
...the McKinley kids squirm uncomfortably in the McKinley auditorium's seats -- with Kurt sneaking a glance at Finn's package, by the way -- as Mr. Schuester welcomes The Jane Addams Show Choir to Lima before scampering off stage to allow the juvenile felons a chance to strut their stuff, which they proceed to do to the tune of " Bootylicious " by Destiny's Child. And it's...wildly inappropriate. Enthusiastically so, I must note, especially when they manage to jiggle their derrieres while performing handstands and singing at the same time, but still. They also seem to be quite fond of flipping their hair around as well, and that's...pretty much all I have to say about that, I suppose. Well, save for the fact that their lead singer "Shatonda" is chola-fabulous and could give Mercedes a run for her money as far as her vocals go, but I find my heart drifting towards the bit of backup jailbait whose got an afro out to Jesus. Just because. And when it's all over, the Jane Addams girls hoot and holler their way out of the auditorium while Will allows his instantly depressed head to drop into his hands. "You seem concerned," Rachel astutely notes. Mr. Schue weakly denies this, but it's clear to everyone he now thinks Jane Addams is going to trounce their privileged misfit asses at Sectionals, so Rachel attempts to reassure him -- in her typically unbearable know-it-all tone of voice, of course -- with, "What they were doing was all smoke and mirrors -- it's called ' hairography .'" Mr. Schue goes, "Whaaaaa?" so Rachel elaborates, "All of the whizzing of their hair around just to distract from the fact that they're not really good dancers and their vocals were just so-so? Trust me -- we have nothing to be afraid of." Mr. Schue remains unconvinced, so...
...he shows up at next afternoon's rehearsal session with yet another new song for Sectionals, which happens to be the title song to the musical Hair , which I most certainly will not be linking to, thank you very much, because hippies suck. Finn, in a rare moment of lucidity, wonders, "If we're going to do a song about hair, shouldn't we have more...hair?" Mr. Schuester has that one covered, and slings a leather satchel stuffed with wigs into Finn's lap. Rachel, no dummy, sees where all of this is going and flies from her seat to hiss in Mr. Schue's ear, "What are you doing? We are fine where we are! We don't need hairography -- it's just a distraction!" Spineless and deeply insecure, Mr. Schue insists that the Jane Addams girls have something the McKinley kids don't, and asserts that they'll have to "pull out all the stops" if they want to win. Rachel remains unconvinced, because Mr. Schuester's being a complete frigging dumbass, but before we can deal with that, we're "treated" to a shot of Puck, Finn, Kurt, Artie, Gaylord Weiner, and Butt Lunch modeling their new, flowing tresses, and with that, we're shunted out into the...
...hallway, where Puck's just given Quinn a copy of How To Raise A Baby On Five Dollars A Day which, you know: Timely! "Saw it in the bookstore," Puck notes. "Figured I'd steal it for ya -- you know, in case you change your mind and decide you want to keep it." How thoughtful. Quinn agrees with me, and confesses that she's no longer certain what she's going to do with the fetus once it claws its way out of her body, adding, "My mind's pretty messed up about everything." My Glorious Husband's all, "No pressure! Whatever you decide!" and exits after granting her a warm grin, so Quinn's hormonally fickle heart sets to fluttering over Puck and his mohawk again, some more , and she starts voice-overing something about acceptance and her need for same, and I try my best to give a single, tiny, heartfelt, vermin-infested rat's ass about Quinn and her stupid fetus, but all I can think is ABORTION IN COLUMBUS, and look at that! While I was so busy not caring, Quinn flashed back to a recent encounter with the delightfully insane Terri Schuester and her equally delightfully insane sister Kendra! "You don't drink diet soda, do you?" Terri breathily snaps at the knocked-up cheerleader. "Because the phosphoric acid causes male pattern baldness!" Quinn reminds Terri that the fetus is female. "Women go bald, too!" Terri retorts. "You worry too much!" Kendra blowzes. "Mom smoked and drank a bottle of Riunite on ice every night when she was pregnant with us, and we're totally normal! " Can't argue with that. "Just take your vitamins," Kendra blares in Quinn's general direction, "stay out of the hot tub, and avoid rum -based drinks, and you'll be fine!" Solid advice for all expectant mothers. Thanks, Kendra! Alas, that's all we get of Terri and Kendra at the moment, for we've leapt back inside Quinn's head as she watches her fellow Glee Clubbers bounce and bop around the piano in the music room while musing to herself, "Maybe I didn't give Puck enough of a chance -- he is the real dad, after all." She's thinking about reneging on her deal with Terri, you see, and she knows she can't raise the fetus with Finn, who's little more than an overgrown child himself at this point. Unfortunately, she also can't risk pissing Finn off at this juncture by taking Puck "for a test drive" to see if Puck truly is suitable father material, so she plots to distract her purported boyfriend with Rachel's as-yet-unobvious charms. And just how does she intend to go about this, I hear you ask?
By enlisting Kurt's aid, of course! "Hey!" she calls out to...oh, my holy crap, WHAT IS HE WEARING? It's this hideous grey-and-green shiny plaid two-button tailored jacket over a black t-shirt atop a pair of matching grey-and-green shiny plaid pants that have been tucked into knee-high black riding boots , with all of it topped off by a heinous white trilby. It's...it's...it's hateful . Plus, his bag doesn't match his shoes. AUUUAAUAAAAGH. ANY-way, Quinn calls out to the fashion-forward Hitler Youth now striding through the halls of McKinley High and, once she's got his attention, asks, "Can I pick your pink brain for a second?" Kurt icily notes with perfectly arched brow that this is the first time Quinn's ever spoken to him, but he listens as she hits him up with a proposition: " Makeover! " "I'm in!" Kurt declares, instantly warming to her, because "makeovers are like crack" to him. He immediately suggests she try "a double-knit camisole with control top for the baby bump," and advises she avoid baby-doll dresses, as they're a "dead giveaway." "Not for me," Quinn grits, "for Rachel ." "Why would I want to do that?" Kurt scoffs. "I admit I like a challenge as much as the next guy," he allows, "but Rachel somehow manages to dress like a grandmother and a toddler at the same time." "My point exactly," Quinn smiles, luring him into her web of deceit. "You're as concerned about the Glee Club succeeding as I am," she lies, "and she's a distraction." "Look at her," Quinn urges. "She's wearing a pantsuit ." The camera swings in between them to focus on Rachel at her locker, and the unfortunate egomaniac is, indeed, sporting a 1975-vintage polyester concoction in cerulean blue. It's still not as evil as Kurt's present outfit, but Quinn's point has been made. "Don't you think the judges are going to take one look at her and maybe wanna knock her down a peg or two?" Quinn deviously inquires. "Deal," Kurt nods, and with that, he promptly exits into this evening's first commercial break.
Chez Schue, later that evening. Terri bids her husband goodnight, and settles down to sleep on her side of their queen-sized bed, upon which she's built a wall of pillows that separates them should Will get any frisky ideas in the wee small hours of the morning. Will reaches across the barrier to stroke her hair, and Terri immediately freaks, bolting upright to excoriate him for attempting to make with the sexy times while she's feeling so vulnerable about her nonexistent pregnancy, or something like that. He apologizes, sweetly enough, and rolls over to leave her alone, allowing her a moment to lapse into what I believe is her very first voice-over of the series. "There's no way I can keep this up," she admits to herself, one hand clawed around a pillow while she stares into the middle distance with a deeply worried and somewhat guilt-ridden expression on her face. "He's gonna catch on," her voice-over continues before confessing, "I miss him, too, though." She turns to gaze at his sleeping back while explaining, "I do want to have a family with him -- I only ever started lying about all of this to give us a chance." "I just need to buy myself some more time," she decides, realizing, "I've got to distract him with something." "But what?" she wonders. As the opening bars of Dionne Warwick's " Don't Make Me Over " hit the soundtrack, Terri stumbles across a cunning plan.
The song continues as an instrumental as we cut over to Rachel's bedroom, where Kurt's being absolutely and unnecessarily vicious to her, telling her he volunteered for makeover duty primarily because Rachel needs "something to distract from [her] horrible personality" before noting, "Most of the time, I find it hard to be in the same room with you." "Especially this one," he adds, eyeing his surroundings with wary distaste, "which looks like where Strawberry Shortcake and Holly Hobbie come to hook up." Poor, obnoxious Rachel looks devastated, so Kurt graciously allows, "You're extremely talented, Rachel -- watching you perform is amazing -- but sometimes it's hard to appreciate what a good singer you are, because all I'm thinking about is shoving a sock into your mouth." By this point, I would have thrown his snide little precious and badly dressed ass out of the window, but Rachel for whatever reason -- likely because the script says she must -- accepts his criticism, and wonders what his plans for her involve. "I want every boy in school to do a double-take when you strut past," he smiles, and while that's not an outright lie, I believe he deliberately omitted a couple of key phrases from that statement, and what he meant to say was, "I want every boy in school to do a double-take to vomit all over you when you strut past because I'm going to make you look even more ridiculous than I normally do ." Rachel offers him a sad little smile of gratitude, then confesses that there's really only one boy in particular she'd like to impress, and that boy is, of course, Finn. As Kurt's been lusting after Finn since before the series began , he immediately allows a burst of naked jealousy to get the better of himself, and he proceeds to insist that, as Finn appreciates a good slut when he sees one, they'll tailor Rachel's makeover accordingly. When Rachel attempts to protest, citing Quinn's wholesomeness as evidence to the contrary regarding Finn's taste in girlfriends, Kurt cuts her off with, "Let me put this in musical theater parlance: In Grease , what did Sandy do to get Danny Zuko?" "She had to ditch the poodle skirt," he continues, answering his own question, "and slap on a catsuit." "In short," he concludes, "she had to dress like a ho." Rachel's sold. Poor, stupid, obnoxious Rachel.
The next afternoon, I'm guessing, Terri's leading a blindfolded Will into their apartment complex's garage, where she presents him with...a crapped-out 1960s-era blue Corvette? Ah, it's actually a replica of "The Blue Bomber," Will's pride and joy in high school, and the car in which he and Terri did it for the very first time right after their senior prom. She acquired it for him on eBay, you see, as it will provide him with a "distraction" from all of the pressure he's been under as of late. Will's thrilled and moves in for a kiss, but Terri spots Kendra hustling through the garage with an extremely unwilling Quinn in tow, so she thinks fast and sends her dimwitted husband off on a frozen yogurt run while she deals with this latest baby-related crisis, which of course involves Quinn announcing, "I'm keeping my baby." Terri and Kendra gape.
Cut to Will's office, where he's apologizing to The Haverbrook Show Choir's director for inviting the Jane Addams girls for a meet-and-greet while failing to extend the same courtesy to the deaf kids. The hard-of-hearing schtick that follows with this " Dalton Rumba " person -- played by the lovely and talented Michael Hitchcock , who was so good in Best In Show , and who is so horribly mistreated by the crap he's been given to work with this evening -- is endless, and endlessly unamusing, so I'll cut to the chase: Dalton Rumba, who was left deafened in one ear thanks to a childhood bout of scarlet fever (and boy, ain't that hilarious?) demands a second scrimmage, this time including his own charges. Will agrees. Commercial!
Chez Schue. Terri's freaking out about Quinn's recent announcement, but Kendra counsels calm -- plus alcohol -- as she's already figured out a plan to make Quinn change her mind: Since Quinn's so hard up for cash, Kendra intends to have Quinn babysit her three Satanic children on Friday evening. "Five minutes alone with those little mongrels," Kendra promises, "and she'll have her tubes tied." "You're so smart!" Terri marvels. "You got the beauty," Kendra giggles, "but I got the brains and the beauty." Keep telling yourself that, honey. You beautifully insane alcoholic psychopath.
School. Rachel saunters down the hall in a mammary-enhancing black bustier paired with a cute little dark-colored plaid pleated skirt atop a cunning pair of saucy pumps, all of which immediately attracts Finn's heterosexual attentions. She flirtatiously invites him over to her house that Friday evening at 8 PM to rehearse, as she's had "long, luxurious locks since [she] was a toddler on the pageant circuit," and she's therefore best qualified to give him some excellent performance tips for their new hair-related Sectionals number. Finn readily agrees, which sends Rachel floating off towards her next class on a cloud of boob-related bliss. "Objective achieved!" Kurt smirks, falling in step with her to gloat before announcing the commencement of "Phase Two." Meanwhile, Finn scurries over to Quinn to ask her permission to spend Friday evening somewhere not in her company, and Quinn, knowing what just happened, readily agrees, as she'll be babysitting at Kendra's, anyway. Finn floats off towards his next class on a cloud of boob-related bliss, which sends Quinn scampering over to Puck, who replies to her question regarding his plans for Friday night with a shrug of his lovely shoulders and a casual, "Just the usual -- stand outside the 7-Eleven looking depressed until someone offers to buy me beer, but what's going on?" "You wanna babysit with me?" Quinn asks, moistening her lips while batting her big, bashful eyes at him, and I'd write something about Puck floating off towards his next class on a cloud of boob-related bliss, I'm sure, but I can practically hear his instant erection straining against his jeans, so, you know. Color me distracted.
Music Room. The Glee Club members loaf around in their asinine wigs -- with Puck looking scarily like Tommy Lee back during his Shout At The Devil days, by the by -- as Mr. Schuester instructs them to follow along as Brittney demonstrates the finer points of "hairography," and we're not even halfway through the episode yet, and I already want to pull a Regina George on their goddamned asses and tell them to stop trying to make "hairography" happen. In any event, Mr. Schue tells Brittney, "Take it away!" so Brittney of course asks, "Take what away?" "Show us what you've got," Mr. Schue amends, so Brittney steps up and explains, "It works best when you pretend like you're getting tasered? So, you just move your head around like you're spazzing and stuff?" Which she does, and when she's finished, she adds, "You guys? It's like cool epilepsy? " Heh. The other kids proceed to make like Brittney, much to Mr. Schue's approval, until he notices Sue Sylvester spying on them all from the hallway outside. He marches on out of the room, stupidly leaving the door open behind him, and launches into an extremely loud and screamy tirade regarding Sue's latest attempts to torpedo the Glee Club, and Sue's rejoinders this evening are sorely lacking in their usual wit, so long story short, she demands a revised set list on her desk, pronto, or she'll have herself reinstated as co-director, and with that, she floats off towards her next conquest on a cloud of boob-related bliss. With, you know, Will being the boob in this particular instance. Mr. Schuester spins around in the depths of his Sue-imposed humiliation to find the twelve Glee kids plus Tinkles staring at him all, "Excellent debating skills, asshole! " so he yells, "Take it from the top!" and angrily plows right into the next commercial break.
Rachel's Boudoir. Finn nervously perches on her canopied bed while Rachel herself applies the last of her Kurt-approved Phase-Two makeup in the bathroom, and when she emerges, she looks exactly like a raven-haired version of Olivia Newton-John at the end of Grease , right down to the black satin skintight pants I'm sure they had to sew Lea Michele into for this scene. "Tell me about it, stud! " she simpers in Finn's direction before launching into the version of "You're The One That I Want" they last essayed in the pilot, and it's terribly uncomfortable in the extreme until Finn finally calls out for her to stop. "I need to be honest with you," he begins once she's shut off the rehearsal tape, "and I'm gonna say this as nicely as I possibly can, but you look like a sad clown hooker!" Heh. Rachel, of course, is crushed, and becomes even more so when Finn explains, "This look, it just isn't you! I mean, maybe when I first saw it, I was caught off-guard by the fact that you looked all adult and stuff, but that's not what's really great about you, Rachel." Rachel's impending tears threaten to dislodge her carefully applied false eyelashes, and she whimpers that she thought this sort of thing was what Finn liked. "Not at all," Finn shakes his head before realizing, "Funny! I was just having this conversation last week with Kurt!"
Smear to a week ago, with a furiously scheming Kurt too-casually wondering, "So, what kind of girls do you like?" Finn, ambling along beside him down McKinley's halls, replies, "Oh, well, I like 'em when they're natural and stuff? Not a lot of makeup, not skintight clothes -- that sort of thing, you know?" A foul, wicked smile spreads across Kurt's face, and he perks, "Totally!" right before we smear back to...
...the present, where Rachel's abject humiliation continues apace. "I feel like an idiot," she whispers, crushed. Finn hastens to assure her it's far more his fault than hers and, realizing he's doing neither of them any good by remaining in Rachel's boudoir, he apologizes again, and flees. We don't get to see it, but I'm sure Rachel collapses to the floor in tears. Poor Rachel. Poor, stupid, obnoxious Rachel. Sigh.
Casa...what the hell is Kendra's last name? Ah, yes: " Giardi ." Kendra's trio of redheaded, mouthbreathing morons have lashed Puck and Quinn back-to-back in a pair of chairs, and now run rampant through the living room, toppling tables and plugging each other in the face with cakes and such while Quinn snarls at Puck for a little assistance in slipping the knots that bind them. Puck, who'd supposedly been texting either Gaylord Weiner or Butt Lunch because one of them's been having "weight problems," finally drops his phone to offer an assist, and I think we're meant to believe sparks of romantic electricity pass between the two when their hands inadvertently touch, but I don't watch this show for the crappy and pointless high-school dating angst they seem determined to shove down my throat, so I'll be ignoring all of that in favor of zipping ahead to the point where they've freed themselves. In a desperate attempt to get the shrieking little mutants to shut the hell up already, Quinn yells, "Hey! Want to see a real, live music video?" For whatever reason, the feral imps do, and so, the next thing we know, Puck's unleashed his acoustic guitar, and he and Quinn treat the hellions to an impromptu version of Madonna's " Papa Don't Preach ," and sweet Jesus, that video I just linked to takes me back. That goddamned song was everywhere during the summer of 1986. Shut up, Madonna. And Staten Island can cram a sock into it, too. But I'm meant to be typing about Quinn's performance, aren't I? Well, it's sweet-sounding enough, but her technique is a little light for a song I've long associated with Miss Ciccone's heavier, throat-rasping wails, so whatever. I think I'd like it better if Quinn stuck to, like, Shirelles covers , or something. And then it ends, and Kendra's vile little rug monkeys are of course mesmerized because music has charms to soothe the savage breast , and as I'm on the verge of shoehorning yet another boob-related joke into the recap at this point, I'll simply note that one of the evil ginger dirt smears bays, "Sing it again!" and leave it at that.
Later that evening, the wretched threesome are sound asleep in their bed, much to Terri and Kendra's horror. "What's that smell?" Kendra grimaces, crinkling her nose. "Soap," Quinn mildly replies. Terri and Kendra snap their heads around towards Quinn like they're in some day-glo colored remake of...well, you'll hear it in a second, and Terri gasps, "You got them to take a bath? " "Mmm-hmmm," Quinn smiles. "What are you?" Kendra spits. "A exorcist?! " And thanks for stomping all over my joke, Kendra . Yes, it was a lousy one, but still. Cow.
Meanwhile, out in the kitchen, Will's waxing rhapsodic over his shitty little crapped-out Corvette to his brother-in-law, but when Phil asks, "What're you gonna do when the kid comes?" Will's face falls, for you cannot install a car seat in a shitty little crapped-out Corvette.
And then it's Puck and Quinn's turn to pull focus as they coo and canoodle over in the hall. Quinn admits she had some qualms about how the evening would turn out, what with Puck constantly texting Shaft or Other Asian or whomever at the beginning there, but he managed to pull it all together in the end, and that's making her feel a lot better about keeping her fetus. "We proved something tonight," Puck agrees, adding, "This parenting thing? We can do this!" Quinn smiles.
BAM! Rachel slams Kurt's locker shut in his face the next day at school and seethes, "You set me up!" Kurt plays dumb, an act he really should avoid, because Brittney's so much better at it. "How could you do that?" Rachel rants, getting all up in Kurt's face. "I thought we were friends! " "And what made you think that?" Kurt airily replies, shutting her up but good. "You should be thanking me," he snottily pisses, reveling in Rachel's humiliation. "All I did was help you realize that your schoolgirl fantasy of running off with Finn was nothing but a fairy tale!" And, yeah: "Fairy tale," just like the little fairy's fairy tale himself, and ha-ha, and whatever, and Kurt haughtily sniffs, "I was just helping him understand that you are not a viable second choice!" "If I were second," Rachel immediately counters, earning major points for her proper use of the subjunctive, "or fiftieth , I'd still be ahead of you because I'm a girl! " Kurt, momentarily stung, pinches his prissy lips together to collect himself, then freezes her with, "Okay, here's the dope, princess: There's no hope for either of us. He loves Quinn -- they're having a baby together! -- and we're nothing but distractions. The sooner we realize that, the better." And with that, he flounces off down the hall. Bitch.
BAM! Santana Lopez slams Quinn's locker shut in her face and seethes, "Keep your paws off my man! Clear?" Quinn plays dumb, an act she really should avoid, because Brittney's so much better at it. "Who's your man?" Quinn icily inquires. "Don't play stupid, Tubbers ," Santana Lopez snottily pisses, apparently agreeing with my point above. "And for the record?" she continues with much waving of her hands. "Asking someone to babysit with you is super '90s." Quinn, her confidence faltering, nevertheless counters, "I happen to know that Puck cares about me." "Well, wake up! " Santana Lopez sneers, getting all up in Quinn's face. "While you two were babysitting, Puck and I were sexting! " There follows an entirely unnecessary definition of "sexting" for the especially slow in the audience before Santana Lopez challenges Quinn to check Puck's cell for her "super-hot texts" if Quinn doesn't believe her, as Santana Lopez's sexts are "too hot to erase." And with that, she flounces off down the hall. Bitch. And God love her for it.
BAM! Oh, sorry. Thought they were going with The Rule Of Threes, there, but they're not. That should actually read "COMMERCIAL!"
Music Room. It's time for the scrimmage between McKinley High and The Haverbrook School Of The Deaf and for some reason, I'm certain the experience will be excruciating for everyone involved. Well, for everyone involved who happens also to be in the audience, at least. Mr. Schuester introduces "The New Directions" to their guests with Dalton Rumba translating for the benefit of his charges, and they're off! Like, really, really off. The hair-heavy number they perform for the vaguely disgusted ladies and gentlemen of The Haverbrook School Of The Deaf is actually a mash-up of "Hair" and Beyoncé's " Crazy In Love ," and while it's nice to see Artie and Mercedes trading off on the leads again, the song...well, let's face it: The song sucks. And Will seems to realize it, go figure. Dumbass. The vaguely disgusted yet proper ladies and gentlemen of The Haverbrook School Of The Deaf, barely suppressing their hearty rounds of eye-rolls, politely applaud when it's over, but Rachel knows they sucked, and she immediately bounds over to Mr. Schue to inform him of same. Mr. Schue attempts to bluff his way through something reassuring-sounding, but he fails, and Rachel slumps into the audience seating with the rest of her compatriots as the proper ladies and gentlemen of The Haverbrook School Of The Deaf take their places on the risers, and oh, shit. Why do I get stuck with all of the Very Special Episodes? Didn't I suffer enough on Charmed , for Christ's sake? Ugh. In any event, the proper ladies and gentlemen of The Haverbrook School Of The Deaf are dressed in matching crimson-and-grey private academy uniforms, which I mention only because I'm desperate to delay the start of their mawkish rendition of John Lennon's inexcusably maudlin " Imagine ," and as Dalton Rumba strikes the opening chords on the piano and, like, nods at them from somewhere off-camera to give them their cue, I guess, The Proper Ladies And Gentlemen Of The Haverbrook School Of The Deaf...oh, I hate this. Their lead singer is actually speaking the lyrics slowly to match the tempo while his fellows sign along behind him, and it's making those already awful lyrics even more obnoxious and annoying to listen to, if that's even possible. Shut up, hippies. And of course, because this is A Very Special Episode, the McKinley kids -- led by Mercedes and Artie -- one by one rise from their seats to join The Proper Ladies And Gentlemen Of The Haverbrook School Of The Deaf in the performance space, with the hearing kids singing while the not-hearing kids teach them the sign language appropriate to those awful, obnoxious, annoying, insipid lyrics, and Mr. Schue and Tinkles are over there in their corner misting up, and why doesn't some asshole just buy the fucking world a fucking Coke already and be done with it? Shut UP, HIPPIES .
BAM! Ah- HA! I knew it was going to happen sooner or later. Quinn more or less slams Puck's locker shut in his face the next day at school and seethes, "You lied to me!" She's referring, of course, to the supposed texting he was enjoying with Gaylord Weiner or Butt Lunch or whomever during their Friday-night babysitting date, when a quick glance at his cell phone's inbox confirms he was actually sexting with my special TV girlfriend, Santana Lopez. Puck plays dumb, an act he really should avoid, because Brittney's so much better at it, but he eventually drops the act to apologize, after his own fashion. "I'm sorry!" he insists. "I tried to resist Santana -- I did! -- but I'm young, and girls have this... power over me!" Quinn, momentarily stung, pinches her prissy lips together in an attempt to collect herself while Puck continues, "But hey, it's all good." "It's definitely not 'all good'!" Quinn rants, getting all up in Puck's face. "I thought you wanted to be with me!" "I do -- like, a lot! " Puck assures her. "But," he adds, "you haven't given it up to me since the night I knocked you up, and baby, I'm a dude. I have needs ." And there are many, many people who would happily help him meet those needs -- and you all know who you are -- but inappropriate audience-wide lust for a supposedly underage fictional character is not the point of this scene, and so I will hop off that train of thought as quickly as I'd jumped onto it in favor of noting Quinn's reply. "You expect to raise a baby with me," she immediately counters, " and text dirty messages to every other girl at this school if I don't 'give it up' to you every day?" "No!" Puck sniffs, disgusted by her implication. "Just the hot girls!" Atta boy. "Look, I'm gonna be a good dad," he assures her, "but I'm not gonna stop being me to do it." And with that, he flounces off down the hall. Well, he would flounce off down the hall, I'm sure, were he the flouncing type. And had they not immediately cut to...
...Chez Schue, where Quinn's telling a stunned-looking Terri, "You can have her." "Are you serious?" Terri gasps. "A girl really needs a good father," Quinn sadly replies, "and the only way she's gonna get that is if I give her to you." "You think Mr. Schue's going to be a good father, don't you?" she asks, and Terri gets all misty-eyed and such before answering, "I think he's gonna be an amazing dad." Just then, of course, Will arrives unexpectedly from the scrap yard, where he'd supposed to have spent the entire afternoon, and while he's mildly surprised to find Quinn chatting with his wife on the sofa, he brushes it off to ask Terri for a moment alone in the garage whenever she gets a chance. Quinn immediately rises to make her excuses, but before she leaves, she quite unexpectedly lunges into Mr. Schue's chest for a hug, and when it's over, she mumbles, "Later, Mr. Schue," and bolts out the door. Will gawps at Terri for a moment, but she apparently smooths things over, for the next thing we know, Will's...
...leading a blindfolded Terri into their apartment complex's garage, where he presents her with...a crapped-out 1980s-era wood-paneled minivan? Ah, it's his gift to her, for the baby, as you cannot install a car seat in a shitty little crapped-out Corvette. Terri's touched. In the head, of course, but we knew that already. Next!
McKinley High Hallway. Finn and Quinn kiss and make up. Well, actually, they make up first, and then they hug, and then they float off towards their next class on a cloud of bliss that may or may not be boob-related without any kissing at all because...oh, I don't give a shit at this point. Both Rachel and The Fashion-Forward Hitler Youth -- yes, he's wearing Those Boots again -- watch them drift away as a sad -- nay, a veritable lachrymose piano tinkles away in the background, Rachel and Horst Wessel acknowledge each other (and, in doing so, acknowledge each other's pain, of course) before the bell rings, kicking us over to...
...Sue Sylvester's office, where Will ducks his meek yet untrustworthy curls through the door to ask if Sue has a moment. She does, so he enters, and long story short, he passes her a copy of the revised set list. It contains "Proud Mary," a song to be revealed later in this episode, and a song to be revealed even later in this episode, which -- get this -- Sue Sylvester doesn't recognize, even though it's goddamned " True Colors " by Cyndi Frigging Lauper, and ooops! Spoiler! In any event, the goal with this latest song selection after all of the hair-flipping nonsense this wasted episode wasted so much time presenting to us is simplicity, as Will finally understands that the more show-bizzy numbers don't really play to his kids' strengths. Or something like that. Of course, barely an instant passes before Sue's summoned International Recording Star Miss Oddly Accented Wig and Half-Deaf Guy to her lair, where she shows them the set list -- it's "Proud Mary," "Don't Stop Believing," and "True Colors" -- and suggests they divvy up the first two songs between their respective choirs, after which she'll ensure McKinley performs last at Sectionals, thereby giving the appearance that McKinley poached its routines from Jane Addams and Haverbrook, rather than the other way around. International Recording Star Miss Oddly Accented Wig and Half-Deaf Guy initially object strenuously to Sue's proposed strategy, but the scene ends ambiguously, as Sue's ultimate argument -- "Don't let anything distract you from winning!" -- seems to sway them. Um. DUN!? Yeah, I'm pretty sure that was a DUN!
And, finally: "True Colors." The number, as promised, has been simply staged, with the kids clad in black Chucks, jeans, and t-shirts in all of the colors of the rainbow while perched ('cept for Artie, of course) on stools spread from one side of the proscenium to the other while a multi-hued LED display drizzles all over a set of screens behind them. Single-T Tina takes the lead on this one, and it's a lovely rendition, even if the song itself seems to be just the tiniest bit ubiquitous at this point in its pop-culture life. Then again, the seeming ubiquity of "True Colors" might just be a gay thing, so what the hell do I know? In any event, a lot of loving and/or guilty and/or wistful and/or rueful and/or completely-befuddled-and-kind-of-freaked-out-by-all-of-the-attention-he's-so-undeservedly-getting- Finn glances shoot amongst tonight's primary players (with the notable exception of my special TV girlfriend, Santana Lopez), and in the end, Mr. Schuester saw that it was good, because the dimwit thinks he's God, or something.
I have no idea what's happening next week because the promo was awfully thin on plot points, but I do know they're singing " Jump " by Van Halen, and I'm pretty sure it's going to be awesome.
Demian 's not certain if he's mentioned this to you at any point thus far during the season, but he really, really hates Very Special Episodes. You may reach him at demian_twop@yahoo.com.
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