Let's Start From The Beginning
Updated 2008-07-17 09:07:52
Let's do this. We're back at the Atlas Apartments again (and for the last time)! I don't know why that makes me so happy. It's like that summer between college and your first real job. Before embarking to LA, we get one last New York season. And the Atlas is like your parents shag carpeted basement. Not great, but oddly comforting.
Here comes some dude with a fedora and a shirt that exposes so much of his (super toned) torso that it begs the question, "Why actually bother with the shirt?" Seriously, bravo on the abs but, ew. He tells us that his name is Jerell Scott, and he's 28 years old and from Los Angeles. He's a "freelance designer." He says that he began modeling when he was 18 and we see some shots of a formerly afro-clad Jerell. Frankly, the photos aren't that great. I think he must have been a "freelance" model. He says that he couldn't afford the cool clothes, so he had to make them. We see his bio video. He's walking through his studio telling us the he designs for a very exclusive clientele. "From celebrities to Saudi royalty." We see a few shots of his work. It's dark and fancy, with lots of flourishes. Jerell says that he knows what he can do and that it's time to "take it to the next level." Isn't it always that time? The mannequins are like, "Time to tie your kimono." He says that he's sorry for the other designers, but they are going "to have to go home, one by one." Great, he's been studying. We won't have to worry about saying anything original or from any sort of organic, creative place. He'll just give us little stupid lines like that and we'll feel safe and the Earth will remain on its axis.
Suddenly, the orangest person ever, Blayne Walsh, introduces himself to Jerell. What the fuck? He's super tanned and has streaked hair. It's like Zac Efron was fused with Anne of Green Gables. It's bad. He's 23 and he tells us that he has been a fashion designer for 6 years. He pays the bills working at a coffee shop. He says that urban wear is his passion and we see a few photos of his stuff. It's kind of funky, but the pics are really amateurish. People sitting on rocks at the beach. He tells us that he has a ridiculous obsession with tanning. You don't say. He's so perfectly crazy looking. I don't know, I might love him. Unless he continues to write "Sup Holla!" on the chalkboard by the phone. I'm afraid that Christian Siriano may have ushered in the era of the catchphrase designer. If that is true, it will be very sad.
Next in the apartment is Joe Faris, 41, and my guess for the straight male designer of the season. He's the senior designer at Schott Brothers and he's from Detroit. The camera shows him opening a Coke then bringing it up to his mouth in movie vocabulary that would indicate that his soda was poisoned. Seriously, I was like, "Don't drink it, Joe!" Then, I realized that it was just product placement.
Here's our first... lady? It's Stella B. Zotis, 42 and a "freelance designer." I don't mean to jump the gun, but Stella and I are in love. She's kind of amazing. She says flatly that rock stars come to her for a look. Her work is all typical rock star stuff -- treated denim, studs, etc. She has made "custom rock regalia" for Blondie, Sebastian Bach, as well as "hookers, pimps, or whoever's tough enough to wear it." Yes, Stella. Yes. Don't let me down. She interviews that the show will be a way for her to work outside of leather and denim.
Jennifer Diederich, 27 and a "freelance designer," enters the apartment and introduces herself to Stella. She tells us that she lives in a small town outside of Florence, Italy. She says that her style is surreal and we see her bio video which has little shots of a tiny Jennifer popping out of a spool of thread. "But what about the clothes?" you say. Who gives a flip about the clothes, A TINY PERSON POPPING OUT OF A SPOOL OF THREAD! Get her on the show! She says that her clothes are like "Holly Golightly goes to a Salvador Dali exhibit." "Really though, what about the clothes?" you persist. Why are you asking questions like that? Are you aware of how much time it took her to COIN THAT MARKETING ANALOGY?? Book her! Anyway, the clothes... aren't special. I mean, they're cute, I guess. There's a coat that's may be a little whimsical and high-design at the same time, but the other stuff just looks sort of "cute."
Stella tells Jennifer that she doesn't want to go home right away and Jennifer replies that the same thing is probably on everyone's minds right now. They are joined by Kelli Martin, a 27-year- old boutique owner better known as "Christy." Kidding, different Kelli. The tattooed, blonde Kelli tells us that she imagines herself to be the baby of Vivienne Westwood and Betsy Johnson. She owns a boutique, Black Market , in Columbus, Ohio. It's got a vintage 50's/punk look to it. She says that she cranks designs out and tries to make a living. It's difficult, but she says that she wouldn't have it any other way.
Terri Stevens, 39 and a "freelance designer" (these guys should unionize), joins the other ladies. Back to the boys. Jerry Tam, 32 and the owner and design director of Form . Jerry says that he's doing very well as a designer and is thisclose to being a big shit. Having this platform for his designs is a "dream come true." His stuff is very architectural and chic.
Jerry is joined by Suede, who is 37 and a... "freelance designer" (why bother, producers? Let's just drop the whole occupation thing). I don't know if you can tell this without having to watch it far too many times, but when Suede says his name and where he's from ("New York City") in his interview, he's doing this low-grade vamp that makes my skin crawl. He designed for Polo Jeans, Todd Oldham Jeans, and Jordache. So, conceivably, he could have been out of work since 1996, but whatever. He says that he got tired of making millions for the rest of the world and decided that "Suede needed to make millions for Suede." And, with that, Suede just became Rayon. He says in his bio video that he's going to "snip out the competition." He's holding shears. And, oh my, he says that he's ready to "take it to that next step" and "Suede is going to rock it." That last part is said with his fingers pointing coyly at the camera and he punctuates it with a "Yeah!" Ray. On. This guy is an idiot. Rayon is joined by Keith Bryce, a 26 year old muscle guy with a big tattoo.
Rising from the subway is Korto Momolu, a 33-year old "freelance blah" who was originally from Liberia. Now, she lives in Arkansas. She has been in every magazine in Little Rock, she says. I don't mean to be a snob, but... what kind of magazine culture is there in Little Rock? In any event, she wants to be a part of the New York scene. Her stuff is hard for me to really describe. It's all a bunch of leopard print stuff, which makes me think it's cheap. But, if you look closely, it looks really well-made.
Two more women join the ladies' apartment. They create what is, at least momentarily, an absolutely interchangeable threesome with Jennifer. One of them is Leanne Marshall, 27 and a "freelance designer." Her stuff is pretty cool. It's very feminine and constructed. Lots of pleating. She says that she thinks the other designers are going to underestimate her, which is really only a sign of her insecurity, right? I mean, I guess you can have a history of being underestimated and just sort of expect it in certain situations, but it sounds like she's told herself that people aren't going to like her. She says she is the "silent fashion assassin." Ergh.
Next, Emily Brandle, 27 and a "freelance zzzzz," enters making the interchangeables a group of four. Daniel Feld, 25 and also a freelancer (seriously, am I the only one who thinks this is absolutely pointless?) joins the guys. Following him is Wesley Nault, a 23-year old freelancer and my nominee for resident cutie. He says that he worked for a year at Marc Jacobs and that it was a great opportunity. His work looks very young and hip -- lots of layering. He interviews that his clothes are divine
Joe tells Wesley that he has two daughters. He interviews that his main motivation for doing the show is to teach his two daughters that they can do whatever they want, even if they live in Detroit. Kidding. That's very sweet.
The designers get notes in their respective apartments telling them to meet Tim and Heidi on the roof. Terri says that she's not sure what to expect on the roof -- could it be their first challenge? Like the fanciest lunch ladies ever, Tim and Heidi are standing before a folding table with a white tablecloth and a couple of bottles of champagne and glasses. Rayon blows a two-handed kiss to Tim and Heidi. This can't continue. Heidi greets them and introduces Tim as the "Chief Creative Officer of Liz Claiborne." He says that this year is the most diverse group of designers the show has had. That's faint praise. He tells them to knock their socks off. Heidi asks them if they're ready for their first challenge. Everyone screams yes, with Rayon screaming the loudest. She tells them that they'll have to wait until the next day. Now, they will have champagne.
Tim pops some bubbly and the cork flies over the top of the roof and onto some unsuspecting person. All of the designers mingle and introduce themselves. Tim asks Emily how the experience feels to her and she says "exactly right." I'm assuming that's because we're all entitled to be celebrities these days. She says that she is a designer for "Smoke and Mirrors." The stuff is cute. Not terribly special. Cute.
Heidi asks Terri to describe herself and she says she's Aerosmith, Lauryn Hill, and Michael Jackson all rolled into one. Her stuff is TACKY. Pantsuits made of questionable fabrics and the like. She says that she is different from the other designers because she is fast. She can make a three-piece suit in 8 hours. Wow, I really don't like her work. I guess Tim was right about the whole "diverse" thing. We're running the gamut here.
Keith Bryce tells Heidi that he designs for her all of the time. It's kind of creepy. Like he has Heidi dolls that he dresses up lying around his house. He says he judges something by whether or not he imagines Heidi wearing it. Then, he laughs. Creepy? He interviews that he is completely self-taught and was born with the talent that others have to develop in school. Sounds like someone who is a little defensive about his training right there. I can't really put a finger on his style. It looks like he enjoys a streamlined silhouette, but that's the most I can pick out right now.
Kenley Collins, who is 25 and a freelancer, is chatting with Blayne about his tanning habit. I'm not sure that Blayne really gets how we feel about the excessive tanning. She says that her style is loud -- she mixes a lot of prints and plaids. I love her work. Let's be real, there are already tons of Kenleys and she's probably more of a stylist than a designer, but her stuff looks very nice.
Daniel Feld, also in the running for resident cutie, is 25 and seriously a freelancer. Really? In his bio video, he says that, had he not been a designer, he would have been a zoologist. He says that his designs often incorporate nature. It's glamorous stuff and he says that they are always showstoppers.
The next morning at 4 AM, Tim Gunn wakes the designers. Everybody is a wreck. He tells them to meet him in the lobby, where they will learn about their first challenge. Jennifer answers the door of her apartment in a towel and regrets it in her interview. Everyone scrambles to get ready, except for Stella who just puts some deodorant on under her t-shirt. Girl after my own heart.
Tim takes them for a walk down the streets of New York and no one knows where they are going. Finally, he lines them up on a street corner and points across the street and says that they are at the site of their first challenge. They're at a Gristedes. A grocery store . We've come a long way. Rayon says that he never thought about how he would approach the grocery store challenge. And now that he has to do it? Yikes! I hate him. Seriously, if someone doesn't find him annoying tell me who you are and why not.
Tim tells us that there's a special guest. It's Austin Scarlett, and he's across the street so we have to wait while he approaches. Now, I loved me some Scarlett back in the day, but... I don't know. I'm not feeling it like I used to. What is he doing? Why is he wearing so much foundation? That may not be totally fair, but it's definitely something I feel. Austin is going to be the guest judge this week. He tells the designers that innovation was the key to his success in the challenge, and so it shall be for the other designers. They will all have $75 each and 30 minutes to shop.
Everybody runs into the store. Jerry goes for a shower curtain. Terri goes for mop heads -- she says she's not using any live produce. Korto is not afraid of the produce though. She interviews that she's a mother, so she knows her way around a grocery store. Stella says she's going to make a pair of pants with garbage bags. Kelli says she avoided tablecloths or anything that resembled fabric, because it was too easy.
Back at the workroom, everybody meets their dress forms. Rayon interviews that having to put all of the grocery store items onto his garment is "wack-a-doodle." This guy's working overtime. Tim enters and welcomes them all to Parson's. There is a card at each table with the dimensions of the model that they've been assigned. They will have until midnight that night to finish. Whoever wins the challenge will have immunity during the next challenge.
Joe says that his theme is Italian. He's using oven mitts, fusilli pasta, muslin, and tomato can labels to create his look. Kelli starts testing bleach and dye on vacuum bags. She's using the bags, bleach, dye, coffee filters, thumbtacks, and notebooks for her garment. She says that she's trying to create a garden dress. The dye and bleach will create a marble look. She says, "It's gonna be a pretty ugly dress. Ugly in a great way." The mannequin behind her asks, "Is that like being unpretty?"
Daniel is creating a cocktail dress with a sweetheart neckline from blue plastic drinking cups. He's using an iron to heat the cups and make them moldable. Blayne, who is starting to look to me like he's not only cosmetically enhanced, but maybe a little chemically altered too, keeps calling his design or his imaginary friend, I don't know, "Girlicious." That's so stupid.
In the sewing room, Rayon tells all of the "girls and boys" to "titillate the judges." Leanne notices that a lot of people are using tablecloths in their designs. She's nervous now because she wanted to be original. Jerry says that he takes himself very seriously as a designer -- then says that he saw people putting "crap on top of crap." That's all stuff that he puts in the trash. OK, Jerry. What's your point?
Stella opens her garbage bags and realizes that she got bags that are way weaker than she needs. It looks like she was a good customer and didn't open them before leaving the store. This raises some important questions about ethics.
Jerell makes a joke about the possibility of their next challenge being at Gristedes too. He does a Tim Gunn impression. Why is he even doing that? It doesn't seem like he's having any fun at all. I find most of these people really forced and joyless. What a difference a year makes. Tim enters and approaches Blayne who explains "Girlicious." Seriously, that's so stupid. Blayne has created this crazy one-piece thing that's pretty over the top. He says that he didn't want to create "another dress." Tim says that he's "not bored."
Tim likes what Daniel is doing. He's also into Kelli's design. He thinks the vacuum bags are marbleized paper. Stella explains her dilemma and Tim merely says that the judges do not want to see a black garbage bag walk down the runway. Rayon, who has made a tablecloth dress, talks with Tim. Tim doesn't like the belt that Rayon has added to his dress. Rayon worries that then his dress would just be a tablecloth and Tim tells him that he should be worried about that.
Thus begins the tablecloth parade. Korto, then Jerry, then Keith -- all tablecloths. Tim explains to everyone that they went to Gristedes to make the designers stretch, but tablecloths are actually a kind of fabric. They haven't been innovative and he thinks the judges are going to think they are all a bunch of slackers.
Everybody starts scrambling and Rayon says that he had to tell himself, "Rayon! Focus! What are you going to do?"
Now everyone has to dress up their tablecloth dresses. Rayon adds little squares of fabric all over his dress. Leanne glues candy to her dress. Jerry made a "summer dress" to go under his raincoat, because it will have the "wow factor." Blayne is the first person to finish and he's convinced that he is going to dominate on the runway. Stella, on the other hand, is convinced she is going home. Jerell tells her to get something out there and sell it. She interviews that she needs to come up with a Plan B. She says if she is eliminated she will be "the biggest jackass of the nation." I like her.
The next morning, Wesley and his six-pack are shirtless and ironing. In the girls' apartment, they are talking about meeting Nina and Michael. Kelli isn't worried about Michael, but she has reservations about Nina. She doesn't want her to look at her with disgust.
At Parson's, Stella explains that she's going to make a dress. She thinks it might be OK, but she's still worried that she will be eliminated. The models arrive and start getting fitted. Blayne says that his model had more curves than he "knew about" even though they had cards with their dimensions. Bingeing model or Excuse-making designer, you decide.
Kenley thinks that Jerry's look is appropriate for an axe murderer. It's hair and make-up time! Blayne won't stop saying "Girlicious." There is just nothing at all cool about that word. Why won't he stop? At the last moment, Korto pulls out a neckpiece made of produce from the fridge. Stella says that getting ready for your first elimination runway show is not a fun experience.
At the runway, Heidi greets the designers. She introduces Michael Kors and Nina Garcia (the editor-at-large at Elle ) and Austin Scarlett. Austin is the creative director of Austin Pool! He does something besides appear on shows! That makes me so much more eager to watch him now.
It's time to get this runway started. First up is Emily's outfit. This is not a great start to the season. It's a shapeless mini dress (made, no doubt, from a tablecloth) with a blue crepe paper yolk for the model's neck. I don't know whether she's going out to a party or to pasture.
Next, we have Jerell's design. Hmm, here's the thing. I kind of want to hate Jerell, just like I actually hate Rayon and want to hate half of this group of designers because they are all so completely, painfully self-aware. However, this dress is pretty cool. It's a one-sleeved patterned blouse over a white skirt. There are textural changes in the sleeve and on the skirt. It's really pretty interesting. I still find him joyless.
Leanne's candy dress is next. It's a short pink dress and the candy is actually pretty cool. Leanne says that she's happy with the choice of using candy, she just regrets having used a tablecloth in the first place.
Here's Korto's dress. It's a full-length kimono dress made from a yellow tablecloth. In that regard, it's pretty lame because she only had to work with the tablecloth. Her neckpiece of kale and cherry tomatoes pops so beautifully against the yellow of the dress that I have to say I'm in love with it. She likes it too.
Jennifer's dress is next and she says that she's completely happy with it. It's a short, strapless cocktail gown made of paper towels. The fit's a little meh, but there's only so much you can do with paper towels. To add some color, she pinned lipstick prints around the dress. Cute idea!
Daniel Feld's dress is next and it reminds me of what Madonna wore to the Oscars when she went with Michael Jackson. I'm sorry to say that I mean that in a completely good way. It's the dress made completely out of blue cups. It looks like the model is sort of coated in lacquer paint. Daniel says that he sees Nina Garcia cracking up and he wonders if that is a good or bad thing.
Terri's outfit is next. She has made a really interesting braided blouse with the mop heads. It tops a rather rote red skirt. That blouse is something though. It suggests rigor without being too fussy.
Here's Rayon's dress. It's a fairly simple strapless dress made from a gingham picnic tablecloth--except he has added little blue squares all over the dress. It's a very interesting effect, like the dress is actually blue but was shredded and there's white underneath.
Oh, Stella. This is bad. She has essentially created a slutty Paris Hilton circa 2005 dress that shows a lot of cleavage and is backless. It is really bad. It's stitched in panels along the skirt but they are left unstitched at the bottom to give it that Roman soldier look that women are so enjoying working these days.
Here's Joe's design. I really like it. It's a bodice made of an oven mitt with a beautiful floral pattern. The bodice tops a skirt made of muslin and topped with fusilli and tomato sauce labels. The fit is really nice and I like that he was looking at color when he was shopping earlier.
Kenley's outfit is next and shit that's cute. She made a breast plate from a red beach ball. The skirt is turquoise, striped, and asymmetrical. It's very cool. Kenley has such a recognizable aesthetic, but I still wonder if maybe she more a stylist than a designer. But, this is definitely a step in the right direction.
Here's Jerry's rain coat. I understand that there's something very high fashion about this, but much like the personalities of the other designers this season, his design is joyless. Not to mention shapeless. Also, the model is styled with white boots and yellow gloves and it's all just a bit overwhelming. No one would ever really want to look like that. Jerry likes it though.
Wesley's design is next. It's a short yellow cocktail dress--it looks like it was made from the same tablecloth that Korto used. However, his has matching yellow, shiny pieces arranged across the bodice. He used plastic cups like Daniel, but yellow cups. Wesley's gonna have the stuff, I think.
Oh my. Here's Blayne's costume. It's a sort of showgirls outfit or something. It's essentially just a bodice. It's black and billowy and at the hoo-ha part, it's tattered and frayed. It's like her vagina got really pissed off at her outfit and just destroyed it. What can I say? I think it's kind of brilliant. Ugly, but awesome.
Here's Kelli's dress. It's the treated vacuum bags arranged as a short full pleated skirt. The burnt coffee filters are used as a bodice, with gold tacks in muslin that is used as a waistband. It's really ingenious. I honestly don't know how pretty I think it is, but I do think she was really thinking about how to make the most of the items around her as opposed to merely thinking about how to replace the items that she normally uses.
And, here's Keith's dress. It's made from the same tablecloth that Rayon used. It's a cocktail dress that's full and billowy at the bottom, a little asymmetrical. I really don't find it that interesting though. He loves it though.
Heidi calls out Daniel, Jerry, Korto, Stella, Kelli, and Blayne. That's our top and bottom three. The others leave. They start with Daniel. Austin thought it was very unique. Nina likes it (so that was a good cracking up). Michael thinks that he could have gone further with the silhouette, but he likes the dress.
Michael thinks that Jerry's dress looks like a freaky bridal nurse. He calls it a handiwipe gone wrong. Heidi asks where this would be worn, and he says night out on town. Michael adds, "After she got out of the hospital." Damn, he's merciless. Nina says there's no innovation to the shape or color. Austin doesn't think it's creative.
Time to talk to Korto. She says she wanted something pretty. Austin thought it was chic and he liked that she used produce. Nina thinks it looks impeccable. Michael says it's the right girl in the right dress styled the right way.
Stella says she sewed her garment by hand. Michael very rightly says there's no transformation. He saw the girl come around the corner and he was like, "Oh, look. Here come some trash bags." Austin says she could have done more. Heidi says she's not impressed.
Kelli explains her design and how she treated her materials. Nina likes the way she thinks -- she's resourceful. Michael thinks she pushed the envelope and succeeded.
Blayne says that he didn't want to bore the judges. Michael and Nina laugh and say that there's no way they are bored. There's nothing really more embarrassing than a moment like that. I'm not sure Blayne's strong enough. Luckily, he's got a hide made of leather. Heidi says it's a bit bunny-ish. Austin thought of a diaper. Michael was reminded of the wrestling challenge . It's provocative but not pretty.
They thought Kelli's was pretty (I guess we disagree about that). Creative and pretty. Austin felt it was detailed. Daniel was innovative with his material. He has the bravado that you either have or not. They don't like that Korto used a tablecloth, but they like the overall look.
Austin says that Stella's aesthetic is punk, but her dress wasn't very punk. Heidi says its "butt-ugly." It doesn't make Michael curious to know more about her. Nina thought Jerry's design was strange. Michael thought it was what you wear when you're killing someone. Austin wrote "hideous" on his card when Blayne's model came out. It wasn't executed well, even though he was trying hard to be edgy.
They've made their decision and the designers return. Korto is in. And the winner... is Kelli. She's thrilled. Dan looks pissed. Blayne is in. Thank God, I can't do this without him. It's between Stella and Jerry. Jerry is... out. Ouch, and he's doing "quite well as a designer!" First off the show. That's gotta hurt. In any event, he says he'll be fine. I don't know though. Ouch! At least Stella is here for another week. I mean, she may not have it in her, but I like her personality.
Come check out Jeff Long's new play For Reasons Unknown at the Barrow St. Theatre in August! Details at www.forreasonsunknown.com.