Gemini
Updated 2008-04-18 19:24:02
Welcome back, peeps! It's the most magical time of the year: the time when I only have to recap one episode of Smallville for a whole month! It's a Christmas miracle! Bust out the turkey gravy, goddammit. I'm ready to juice this mutha.
A playful instrumental rendition of "Deck The Halls" plays as Lois and Boy Editor are making out. He's actually decking her vagina with balls of...tinsel? Look, it's been a long break. I need to find my groove here. Boy Editor and Lois have obviously found theirs. The camera voyeuristically fondles their fully clothed bodies, hiding out and panning across this secret rendezvous. We see through a window behind them that it's snowing outside. Lois and Boy Editor finally stop kissing. Lois asks what she was saying. That this is wrong on many levels and that the worst part is that we don't even care anymore? Something like that? Boy Editor says that Lois did drag him in here to work. Work it! Lois tells Boy Editor that he needs to stop blabbing to the world that she's working on a Lex Luthor exposé. He didn't tell us . Boy Editor says that it's the biggest story of the year. Not that Lois has about a million conflicts of interest in writing such a story or anything. Also, why give the story to an untrained newbie instead of a veteran reporter? Maybe because Boy Editor isn't giving his holiday penis to that hypothetical reporter? I hope he found a decorative box to put it in first. Lois thought their dating life was going to be off the record. "We're hiding in a storage closet," says Boy Editor. "What more do you want from me?" It was nice of him to find a storage closet with windows. Lois -- wearing a fringed gold wrapping from a Christmas gift as a top -- wonders what I just wondered: what people will think of a newbie writing such a high-profile story. Boy Editor lies that it has nothing to do with their relationship. Lois wants to make sure that the only part of her body earning her stories is her reporter's nose. Heaven forbid that it should be her brain. Boy Editor says that he didn't assign the story: Lex wanted Lois to write it. Do...WHAT!? We cut from the scene before Boy Editor can explain this travesty. It is a travesty, I say! A Christmas besmirchment!
Daily Planet newsroom. Wow, that's a lot of Christmas trees and holiday decorations. I'll remember this when they talk about belt-tightening at The Daily Planet . Chloe is on her cell leaving a message for Clark. She calls it her "daily freakout." Chloe says it's been two weeks since she's heard from Clark; she knows that Clark and Lana smoothed things out before he left . Chloe's tired of telling people that Clark is in Minnesota with his cousin. How many people are asking? She says she's getting really angry or scared -- she can't decide which.
Lois walks in, freshly fluffed. She asks whether that was Clark on the phone. Apparently, he promised to fix their satellite dish before he left. Lois says that their TV still looks like Jack Frost puked all over it. Colorful use of...idiocy, there, Lois. I don't remember ever seeing a satellite dish on The Talon building. Chloe says that Clark is still in Minnesota spending the holidays with Kara. Where's MamaKent? I don't think Congress is supposed to be in session right now. Lois says that when Clark returns from the "Land of 10,000 frozen lakes," she'd really like her Daily Show back. Lois is going to be really disappointed when she gets her satellite back and hears about the writers' strike. Chloe wishes Lois a happy holiday and gives her a gift: birth control. Girl, your vag really need it. Actually, it's an envelope she had the print shop compile, containing all of Chloe's research on Lex. It looks like a pretty thin envelope to contain so many years of data. And what of this mysterious "print shop"? Is that a fancy way of saying "the laser printer"? Why would a print shop have all of Chloe's supposedly private research? Chloe calls the information "101 Ways to Make Lex Luthor Squirm." Number 41: Really cold dildo. Lois says that Chloe is her first legitimate source. Really? Good luck writing that huge article today. Chloe suggests that Lois thank her for convincing her cousin to break it off with Boy Editor . Chloe says that now nobody will say Lois didn't land this story fair and square. Actually, everyone is going to say she didn't land this story fair and square. Because she didn't. Lois's face shifts uncomfortably. She doesn't answer.
As Lois opens the envelope, she hears a phone ring. She opens a desk drawer and sees a slim black phone. She asks, not very loudly, whether anyone's lost a cell. Nobody answers, so she picks up the phone. We see someone's chin speaking on the other end of the line. "You've been ignoring me," he says. Oh no! It's the concept of good characterization personified! Lois says that it's not her phone, and that he's got the wrong person. The man on the phone says that she erased his emails and tossed his letters. "I'm trying to help you take down Lex Luthor," he adds. Lois says that when it comes to LuthorCorp conspiracies, a lot of material is tossed in the "Crazy" bin. As background music increases in tempo and intensity, the man wonders if this might move his concerns to the top of the pile: "There's a bomb on your cousin." Weird and unnecessary zooming close-up to the back of Lois's head. She turns, suddenly concerned. Another intense zoom to Chloe, who is looking at a file nearby. The man on the phone says that if Lois says a single word to anyone, Chloe will die. Dude, do you know Lois? You may as well have just killed Chloe and saved yourself a few seconds of valuable time. Creepy music plays. "Do I have your attention now?" asks the man. Lois isn't allowed to say one word to anyone, so she doesn't.
Opening credits. I would have liked it if they had put CGI Christmas hats on everyone. I know I ask for too much sometimes.
Commercials. McDonald's wants you to give your friends a gift card for their fine foods as a Christmas gift. Why not just decorate a box of rat poison with a festive bow?
Stately Luthor Manor at night. It's snowing, so it looks like we're seeing the castle inside a snow globe. Inside the Lair of Lex, two men are fencing. Hey, watch those valuables! Do you mean to tell me that in Lex's giant estate, there's not a gym where they could be doing this? Both men are wearing fencing masks, and given the paunchiness of the bodies, it's pretty easy to tell these are stunt doubles. Either that, or Lex and Boy Editor put on a few pounds over Thanksgiving. Lots of grunting and dodging. Seriously, these are the ugliest, least flattering fencing whites ever. One guy knocks the sword away from the other guy. The mask is lifted, and Lex is revealed to be the victor. Boy Editor is the loser, but then we already knew that. Boy Editor says that when he suggested a dinner party, he wanted to consume calories, not burn them. Judging from what we just saw, you do need to burn some, dude. Lex says that, technically, he's supposed to be doing some charity work at a Suicide Slums nursing home, but he'd rather be here, beating Boy Editor two matches to one. How big of you, Lex. Lex has two bottles of something non-alcoholic on his drink cart. Is that grape soda? That totally looks like grape soda. No wonder he's paunchy. Boy Editor says that he wants Lex to ask someone else to write the exposé. Er, aren't you the newspaper editor? Why would Lex have to do that? Man, you are the worst editor ever. Could you resign? Please? Boy Editor, sweaty, says that Lois has a bad habit of diving for a penny and coming up with the Holy Grail. Why was she diving for a penny? Are the salaries that bad? Lex says that he has nothing to hide. Boy Editor reminds Lex of his murder accusation and divorce. How is a murder accusation relevant if the supposed victim is alive and well ? (Wait, it's Lana we're talking about. Scratch "well" and just leave it at "alive.") Boy Editor says that Lois will get to Lex. Lex cleverly turns it around and says that Lois will get to Boy Editor instead. Wow. Witty, Lex. Did someone just write that for you? Lex isn't buying that Lois and Boy Editor have broken off their relationship, and isn't worried about Lois's vendetta: "I always find a way to win in the end." Boy Editor just blinks. Lex tries to look all bad-ass, but it's hard to do that when you're in a baggy fencing outfit, drinking grape soda.
Lois at her computer. She's talking to the creepy guy on the phone. He now has a name: "Adrian." She tells him to slow down as she types because she's not exactly Mozart on the keyboard. She's not even Clifford the Big Red Dog on the keyboard. Calmly, Lois says that she's gotten to the part where Adrian is an escaped clone from LuthorCorp. He adds that his body is aging on overdrive. Like Teri Hatcher . He says that he'll be dead any day now. So all Lois has to do is type reeeeeeallly slowly. Shouldn't be a problem. As Lois tries to stall and say that the newspaper won't print any of this stuff without proof, she types a message to Chloe telling her not to react. Adrian says that, in a few hours, every newspaper in the country will be begging for this story. This one-source story written by a no-name reporter? Sure. We can't wait. Lois tries to send her message to Chloe. She receives a message in response: "Delivery Failed!" Lois checks the back of her computer. The Ethernet cable has been cut. The wires are all frayed. So how is Lois able to type her story in the newspaper system? I guess she's offline. Her office phone rings. She answers. Adrian is on the line. He tells Lois that he covered that base, and that she shouldn't try anything cute. Lois looks around the room, suspiciously eyeing any man who might be on the phone at that moment. One guy is wearing a comical bike helmet. The next is a shifty-eyed delivery guy who is staring at Lois. He hangs up his cell phone. Lois decides that must be the dude. She grabs a big desk three-hole-punch from her desk and follows him out of the newsroom.
Lois follows the guy into a storage room, but I can't tell if it's her secret sex hideaway. She sneaks up behind him and swings, clocking him right in the back of the head with the hole-punch. Ouch! "Are you nuts!? What are you doing?" he asks. "I saw you staring at me!" she says. "Yeah, so? You're a babe!" the hapless guy answers, holding the back of his head. Lois, Lois, Lois. Dumb shit. Lois calls him a pervert and a terrorist. How is Lois not a terrorist at this moment? She commands the guy to deactivate the bomb. He doesn't know what she's talking about. She pulls his cell phone out of his pocket and redials. Someone from Office America answers. Lois realizes her mistake. "Oh, crap," she says. She begins to breathe quickly (maybe this turns her on?) and says she thought he was someone else. Someone who could take a massive hit to the back of the head, apparently. The delivery guy says that Lois needs help (if you only knew, buddy), and goes to get someone from Security. Lois sighs, telling herself to pull it together. The delivery guy leaves, and then comes right back into the room. Lois says she's sorry again, but the poor guy collapses into her arms, diving right for her exposed cleavage. We see a big pair of scissors lodged in his back. Message for you, Lois! Lois drops the newly dead delivery guy. Her phone begins to ring. It's Adrian. He tells Lois that she was warned. Now he wants her to walk out of the room and work on her story like nothing happened; he'll clean up the mess. "You killed him!" says Lois. Adrian warns her that, next time, it'll be Chloe. We see Adrian in the newsroom. He's watching Chloe as she types at her desk. Lois breathes heavily some more. All this talk about killing is stressing her out.
Kent Farm. It's snowing. The house looks very pretty. Lana is in the barn, brushing one of the horses. Clark walks in. "Lana," he says. Lana goes to him and hugs him, saying she was worried. Lana asks whether Clark was in the Fortress the entire time. He tells her that time is so different there. Sometimes it drags for, like, two whole episodes. He didn't know how long he was gone. Lana asks whether he found Kara . "There was nothing I could do," he says. Clark says that he'll have to accept that she's gone and move on. "Kind of a tall order these days," says Lana. Huh? Clark says that he's back and Lana is here. That's all that matters. Only to the two of them. None of the rest of us gives even one tiny pebble shit. Lana says that, as much as she's missed him, being apart may have been good for them. In other words: get the fuck out, Clark. Don't let the stable door hit your super ass on the way out. Clark's face goes, "Huh?" Lana says that she's had time to think and to evaluate her priorities. Priority #1: Get the fuck off this show. She says that she's dropping her fixation on Lex and all of his projects. Clark, smiling a little slyly, says that he had time to think as well. It can take him about two weeks to formulate a coherent thought. He says he thinks that he knows a way for the two of them to get back on the same page. It involves a very large piece of paper. Clark wants to see all the research Lana has on Lex. "Well get him together," he says. Lana has no idea what to think of that. I guess we'll find out later.
Commercials. Mac vs. PC Claymation ad. I really can't resist these commercials.
The super-secret sliding doors of the Isis Foundation open to reveal Clark and Lana entering Lana's no-longer-so-secret Lex-watching lair. Lana has so decided to give up this crazy Lex pursuit that she took the time to put a welcoming Christmas tree in the Isis lobby. I see no signs that Lana is packing up and shutting this place down. Lana, grumpy, says that isn't exactly hot chocolate on the boardwalk. This is your stupid fake foundation, Lana. If you wanted hot chocolate, you should have had a dispenser installed. She asks what they're doing here. Clark morosely says, "Look what I drove you to do." It's all about you, huh, Clark? Did you ever stop to think that maybe it's all about Lana? And that she's just batshit crazy? As the lights go up, Lana asks whether this is some sort of a guilt trip. She grouses that she hasn't been watching Lex for weeks. It's been all reruns, anyway, except for the Lex-themed reality show, Project Cloneway . Clark says that it's time he faced what he did to Lana. "What you did?" she asks. Clark wanders around among the monitors. They're wrapped in plastic, yet they are still powered on. Even Lana's decorating is full of mixed messages. Clark mopes that he never let Lana open up about how much Lex hurt her. He expected her to move on, but she couldn't. He thinks that's why Lana hid her research. Clark says that he felt responsible for everything Lex did to her since she was protecting Clark. Lana can't follow this train of thought either. She says that Lex is the villain here, not Clark. Clark sighs, "That's what I'm saying." This conversation is going to fucking kill me, right here. Clark says that Lex needs to be put behind bars, and that Lana is the key. Does that make Lex the keyhole? Clark notices a folder nearby that reads, "Scion." It's the 2008 model brochure. Try not to get it all greasy. "Scion?" he asks. "Or what's left of it," says Lana. She takes some plastic off two of the computer monitors and opens up some video footage. She says she must have destroyed the vial when she wrecked Lex's lab . She says that before Clark showed up, Lex was talking about an alien invasion. Clark says that if it is alien technology, Lana didn't destroy it. Puny Earthling! Lana says that if Clark wants to partner up with her, he needs to see everything she uncovered about Project Scion. Mileage, emissions, colors, special leather seat options, everything ! Clark, badly lit, smiles. It's not the goofy, amiable Clark smile we're used to.
Artsy shot of the top of the Daily Planet building. It's snowing, and the globe hasn't frozen solid yet. Inside, Lois is dangling a Sharpie on the back of an envelope, creating dots that spell the words, "Bomb on you." You laid the bomb on me, girl. Before her hand moves to reveal the words, it looks like "Fuck you." Lois is leaning back in her chair trying to look casual as she dots the words. We see Chloe behind her. An older lady wearing a Santa hat enters the room, pushing a mail cart. "Any outgoing?" she asks Lois. I'm pretty outgoing. Want a date, old woman? I have lotion I can rub on you. It's menthol-scented. Lois hands over the envelope. The woman doesn't see the scary message on the back -- only the inter-department delivery side. Lois has sent the package on 12/07/07 to Chloe Sullivan, "Reportor." Maybe it's just funky handwriting, but it sure looks misspelled to me. Oh, Lois. You dumb shit. The mail lady rounds the corner, not seeming too pleased to be delivering a package three feet away. We see Chloe stand, putting on her red coat. "Come on, lady," Lois says under her breath. The woman hands Chloe the envelope as she's leaving. Lois exhales in relief. Chloe tells Lois that Clark is back in town. She's going to drop off her rewrite and go say hi. Lois opens up her cell phone and sees a text message: "Don't even think about it. KA-BOOM!" It's from Sprint. This is what happens if you consider switching to AT&T. Lois, pretending nothing's wrong, says, "Okay, cool." Chloe, sensing something's up, says that she'll send Lois's "warmest" to Clark. "Warmest" what? Isn't the warmest part of Lois's body already being given to Boy Editor? Lois says that she's busy prepping an interview. Chloe asks if she's all right. Lois says she's peachy. Chloe leaves. Close-up on Lois as way-too-dramatic music plays.
Lana and Clark are walking through a building with very little lighting. The fluorescents are flickering weakly. She tells Clark that Project Scion is probably more alive than they thought. Clark asks whether Lana found it. "Not so much an 'it' as a 'her,'" she tells him. Could you be a little bit creepier, please, Lana? She leads Clark into what looks like a medical research room. It's full of expensive-looking equipment with pretty lights. She says that a LuthorCorp employee named Casey Brock was found half-conscious in an alley. The woman is lying on a hospital bed in the room. Lana says that she was talking some random weird language and was suffering from toxic levels of metal poisoning. A blue light flashes on and off. Lana says that when she heard about this woman she had her "Isis contacts" transfer the woman here. So Lana kidnapped her? Or had her staff do it? The staff that she shouldn't really have because she's given up her pursuit of Lex? You sure make a lot of sense there, Lana. Clark says that this is pretty extreme. That's one word for it. Here's two more: fucking stupid. Lana says that she had to keep the woman away from other patients so they wouldn't be exposed to what was in her bloodstream. Lana says that the metal content in Casey's body dropped dramatically since the day before. Lana says that her "team" couldn't find much of any traces of iron, zinc or magnesium in the woman's body. Clark says that whatever attacked the woman harvested her natural minerals, and then moved on. She was attacked by a Flintstones Chewable. The woman's eyes are open, and she's muttering some words. Lana doesn't know what she's saying. Clark listens. He says she's speaking Kryptonian. Dun dun DUUUUUN! Clark starts writing down symbols. She's saying, "Please don't forget me during the hiatus!"
Daily Planet . Chloe gets into the elevator. Jimmy, not seeing Chloe, sticks his hand in to stop the elevator before the doors close. "Jimmy!" says Chloe. Jimmy decides he'll grab the next elevator. Chloe says that there's plenty of room. Jimmy stammers that he's going the other direction. Except that they're in the basement. Jimmy gives up the charade and gets in the elevator, looking really uncomfortable. The doors close. They try to make small talk: Jimmy asks if Chloe is going to the Christmas party. She says that she's pulling a Scrooge and staying home. She heard someone from HR is bringing mistletoe. Wouldn't someone from Human Resources be the last person to bring an object that makes people kiss in a work environment? I'm beginning to think The Daily Planet is being run by a bunch of half-witted orangutans. Jimmy says that he's all about "the amusement factor." He adds that there was mistletoe last year and it didn't seem to stop Chloe. She says that was different; she already had her sights set on-- She stops herself before saying it was Jimmy, then says it anyway. Chloe notices the message on the envelope. She shows it for Jimmy without saying anything. Just then, the lights flicker and the elevator stops. The holiday Muzak continues to play, creepily. Jimmy messes with the elevator buttons. "We're stuck," he eventually says. "With a bomb," Chloe adds. And with sexual tension. Could it be any worse?
Commercials. Did the inventor of body spray ever think that it would become so synonymous with "horny douchebag"?
Newsroom. Lois rounds a corner, walking right toward us, and I'm temporarily blinded by her shiny gold top. Yes, yes, I know: metallics are in this year. That doesn't mean I have to like it. Lois notices that there's a sign on an elevator entrance that reads, "Out of service." There are some helpful yellow cones blocking the door as well. Is somebody doing something to try to get Jimmy and Chloe out of there, at least? Besides putting up cones? Lois stares at the elevator as someone behind her says she's much cuter in person. Well, I would hope so. Lois turns and --- ACK! This guy looks haggard! Or rather he looks like a character in a high-school drama production where they run white chalk through your hair and draw on wrinkles to make you look older. It's Adrian. He steps forward, telling Lois that if she draws attention to herself, he'll decorate the elevator with her cousin. In his hands, he's holding a very fake-looking explosion mini-dildo with a glowing green ring. Maybe it's made by Microsoft and he'll get a red ring of death that'll foil his plans. "Where's my story?" he asks. Don't you mean your dictated monologue? Lois tries to think fast on her feet: "Clark's dog ate it!"
Elevator. Chloe spills the contents of her purse onto the floor of the elevator. MP3 player, phone...is that a purse within the purse? Chloe says that she hasn't read C-4 for Dummies , but that she figures it must be something in this pile that's going to explode. Jimmy finds a strip of photo-booth pictures featuring him and Chloe. It's awfully cute. Chloe says forcefully that the photo strip is not supposed to be in there. Jimmy finds a small gift box with a red bow on it, and opens it. Chloe is about to say that her Secret Santa wouldn't have put it in there, but when Jimmy opens the box, there's an electronic device with giant type that reads, "C-4." And in case that wasn't helpful enough: "COMPOSITION 4." Would-be bombers, remember: always put the label facing down . Extreme close-up on Chloe, who says, "Oh, wow. I have the worst Secret Santa ever."
Adrian, dressed as some sort of black-clad security guard, is reading Lois's story. He just realized that he really picked the wrong reporter. Lois says that it's all in the story: "LuthorCorp's first functioning clone." Lois is convinced that the story is true, given the lengths to which Adrian is going. Adrian stares at his reflection in a nearby window. He touches his face. My God, I'm theatrical! He says that his body won't hold out; he'll be dead by Christmas. Maybe he can convince Santa to cart him away by sleigh. He asks whether Lois celebrates Christmas. Yeah, even though she's idiostic. He starts reminiscing about old Christmas portraits they used to take. His ugly sweater, Mom's fake smile, and Dad missing his football game. Dude, that sounds shitty. Lois tries to use this to get him to feel bad about the danger he's putting Chloe into. "You'd think," Adrian says darkly. He says he went looking for his Christmas memories and discovered that they were all fiction. He says that a scientist downloaded them into his brain. That scientist couldn't write fiction for shit. Adrian says that he remembers these things like they're real. Lois says that by tomorrow's early edition, the world will know what Lex did. Yeah, the paper can't wait to run your shitty, misspelled, one-source story that you wrote in, like, twenty minutes. What a scoop! Lois wants Adrian to let Chloe go. Adrian says that Lois isn't done yet. He wants her to convince Lex to confess what he's done. Good luck with that. "Don't make me remind you what's at stake," Adrian warns. More dramatic music. This episode sure is padded with lots of unnecessary dramatic close-ups.
Elevator. Chloe is holding up her cell phone and trying to shoot a video of herself. She says that they're in the central elevator of the newspaper, with a bomb: "Hurry, please, Clark!" Amusingly, we see that Chloe is standing on Jimmy's back as he's on all fours on the floor. "Clark?!" Jimmy asks. He moves, and Chloe falls. Her cell phone lands on the floor and breaks. Chloe's heel lands on Jimmy's hand. Jimmy asks why she wasted her one phone call on Clark. Chloe says that she didn't realize they had so few flares. Jimmy is annoyed that she didn't call 911, and asks whether Clark is going to dismantle the bomb with his great hair. You think...Clark has great hair, Jimmy? You noticed? Chloe says that Lois's note means she's being watched by the bomber. She asks what it would look like if a SWAT team trampled through the bullpen. Kind of cool, actually, And expensive. I guess this is better for the budget.
We see footage from a hidden camera. Adrian tells Lois to smile for the nice people. She has a heart-shaped brooch on her lapel that is actually a hidden camera. Lois tries to smile, and it's a sad, pathetic little thing. Adrian is talking to Lois through an earpiece she's wearing, while he sits in his high-tech surveillance pod. Lois is carrying a bag that Adrian gave her. "My finger's on the detonator," he warns. He reminds her that if she doesn't get a confession, or if she warns anyone about what's going on, Chloe dies.
For some reason, Clark and Lana are now at the newspaper, walking around freely like they work there. Clark says that the woman in the coma was speaking in a hex code. Lana asks if that's like a Kryptonian pattern of zeroes and ones. Clark says that Chloe once translated a code Papa Luthor was speaking; he wonders if Chloe might be able to translate this one. They go to Chloe's desk, but she's gone. They didn't try to call first?
Lois, on hidden camera, goes to Boy Editor's office. Boy Editor and Lex are waiting there for her. Lex steps to Lois and shakes her hand, saying it's been a while; he hasn't seen her since he caught her breaking in to his office. Lois sits down nervously and says, "Big story." Boy Editor thinks Lois should just ask her questions. He has to sit in on the interview? Adrian, in Lois's ear, tells her to ask about Project Gemini. Lois does. Lex looks amused: "Excuse me?" Lois says that her sources tell her Lex is running an ant farm, but instead of ants, it's humans, and instead of a farm, it's a lab. From there, the analogy continues to break down. Much like an ant farm when you step on it. Boy Editor steps around the desk to stop her, for some reason. Lex says that Lois isn't renowned for her eloquence (and how!), but that he has no idea what she's talking about. Lois says, "Human cloning!" and then explains what cloning is for the one person in the audience who doesn't understand. Lex snarks that he didn't know Lois would be pitching him a Hollywood movie. Lois is a pretty bad interviewer. She should have buttered him up first with questions about his awesome bald head or a compliment on his jacket. As he prepares to walk out,Lex asks Boy Editor what kind of paper he's running here. Obviously, it's the incompetent kind.
Adrian tells Lois to reveal him. "Adrian sends his best," Lois says. That causes Lex to turn at the door. He asks whether that name should mean something. Adrian tells Lois to dig inside the purse. She does, and says, "Oh my God." There's a gun in there. Adrian tells her to point it at Boy Editor and get the truth. Lois points it at Lex instead, saying it's time for the truth. And then she spins and points it at Boy Editor: "Or Grant dies." Everyone tries to reason with Lois, loudly. Lois says there's no time. She asks Lex why Adrian has memories of a life that doesn't exist. Lex insists that he doesn't know Adrian. Lois says that she wrote a story, and rattles off some facts about him: he grew up outside Philly, played point guard for Homestead High, got his first job on the obituary beat at the Liberty Times . Lois starts to talk about his stints as an editor. Lex grabs an award from a nearby shelf and clobbers Lois on the head with it. "What are you doing!?" Boy Editor demands. Lex, kneeling over Lois's unconscious body, says that someone was pulling her strings. Lex pulls off the camera brooch. He says he took Lois out of the equation. Boy Editor is annoyed that Lex stopped her from speaking the truth. He says that those were his memories. Lex says that the information about Boy Editor is everywhere.
"What about the time my mom got me a red and green dirt bike for my seventh birthday?" says Adrian. Now he's standing in the room with Lex and Boy Editor. He says he rode that thing everywhere. He thought he could pedal -- "Until the chain wore out," Boy Editor finishes. Adrian says that he saw Boy Editor's picture in the paper one day, and realized they had a lot in common. Lex tries to stop him, but Boy Editor wants to hear what Adrian has to say. "How do you have my memories?" he asks. "Because Lex made me," he answers. Adrian says that when that didn't work, Lex made Boy Editor. Gabriel, Gabriel, Gabriel, I made you out of clay! Boy Editor is confused. Adrian calls him the perfect clone. Lex says he's lying. "You're me?" Boy Editor asks. Adrian gets right in his face and says that they have the same DNA and the same backstory. Adrian says that Boy Editor worked and Adrian didn't. Define "work" -- because Boy Editor seems like he's pretty shitty at his job. Boy Editor and Adrian go face to face. Boy Editor starts to talk about Papa Luthor giving him up for adoption. When he says, "my Harvard degree," Adrian says it, too. "The paper," they both say. The effect is supposed to be creepy, but it's actually just silly, like a Drama for Non-Majors acting exercise. It doesn't help knowing that the guy playing Adrian is an actual actor, and not a special effect double of the actor playing Boy Editor. Lex just stares, vaguely curious. Even he is bored with this explosive revelation. Boy Editor says it's all lies. "Am I even your brother?" he asks Lex. Or his brother from another? Maybe a brother from another planet? Adrian is offended that he was created from a test tube and kept like a lab rat just so that Lex could have a brother. He asks if that's why Lex couldn't get rid of him. Lex suddenly snaps: "You're not my brother!" he yells at Adrian. Lex busts out a gun and shoots Adrian right in the chest. "You're a mistake!" he yells. Adrian gasps and falls to his knees. He lets go of the detonator. It flashes red rings. It is made from an Xbox 360! I knew it!
In the elevator, the "COMPOSITION 4" package begins to blink. A counter begins at one minute and starts counting down. Now, if you make a secret bomb, would you really want it to beep one minute before it goes off, thereby warning the person you want to blow up? Chloe and Jimmy get up from the floor and start banging on the elevator door. Nobody's bothering to try to get them out, still. We look up an elevator shaft. No help is coming.
Commercials. A local commercial is advocating Toys for Tots. That beats the time I spent Christmas at a strip club when everybody was pitching in to purchase tats for tits.
Daily Planet globe. I just noticed that they put Santa and reindeer around the globe. All right, you got me, show: that's pretty cute. Not so cute: Jimmy and Chloe, still stuck in the elevator, yelling for help. Jimmy's smashed finger is being held together with a napkin, it looks like. They give up, since nobody's listening. Jimmy sits in a heap. Chloe says that she doesn't think they're going to make it. Chloe says that she's not going to cart her baggage through the afterlife. She decides to tell Jimmy the truth. Before she does, she muses that she thought this confession would play out to a sad Kelly Clarkson song, not Muzak. Jimmy tries to get her to try to move things along, given that they're about to die and all. Chloe says that she didn't pull away from the relationship because of Jimmy. She says he was perfect. (Except for the whole eyefucking Kara thing, but I digress.) Chloe says that she pulled away because she's different: "I'm a meteor freak." She asks Jimmy for feedback. He says that if they're going out with no regrets...he leans forward and kisses her. There are now thirty seconds left on the bomb, which is complete bullshit because that whole scene took a lot longer than thirty seconds.
Clark and Lana are still at Chloe's desk. Nobody seems to mind that two non-employees are poking around, messing with Chloe's laptop and going through her stuff. Security! Lana tries to call Chloe, but it goes to voicemail. Lana pulls something up on a nearby computer: it's the message Lois was typing to Chloe. Clark glances at the elevator, which says it's still out of service. The camera spins around him, and the room grows bright as he uses his superhearing, and hears a ticking bomb. We see Clark fly, really fly through the elevator shaft. He pops up on (presumably) the right floor and runs at superspeed. He runs past a woman dropping some gifts, someone else decorating a tree, and countless other people not getting any real work done. Everyone is frozen. Clark pries open the elevator doors. The elevator was level with a floor the whole time. Clark sees Jimmy and Chloe kissing. He sees the explosive. We zip to the top of the building, where Clark throws the device. It explodes up in the sky, but causes no damage to the building.
Chloe and Jimmy stop kissing as the elevator dings. The doors have opened. A bunch of co-workers, including the mail lady, are staring. Jimmy smiles. Chloe looks embarrassed. They keep sitting there. The elevator door doesn't close.
Boy Editor's office. Lois, holding the back of her head, gets up slowly. Lex tries to help her up, but she tells "Holyfield" to move it. She called Lex that because...he didn't punch her with his fists? I can't imagine that this head injury is going to make Lois any less of a dumb shit. She says that she needs to find Chloe. Lex says that Chloe was pulled from the elevator safely. He adds that Adrian escaped, which is almost surely a lie. He says that Boy Editor went to go get medical help for Lois. Lois says that she plans to expose Lex's "morbid science fair" to the world. Lex asks how she'll do that with no evidence. Lex says that Lois is no longer writing the exposé. Lois says that he'll have to take that up with her boss. "I am your boss," says Lex. "Merry Christmas, Lois. I just bought The Daily Planet ." Scandal! Stop the presses! They start them again when Lex says so!
Chloe is making copies. Did she go back to the basement after all that? Jimmy walks in, suggesting that she might want to go home early because of the on-the-job stress. Chloe tries to explain the kiss in the elevator. She says that when she thinks the world is ending, she has a habit of grabbing the nearest guy and end up in a liplock. Well yeah, but Jimmy kissed her. "Yeah, me too," says Jimmy. Jimmy corrects himself, saying that he likes to kiss girls, not guys. Obviously. (Though you never know with this show.) "And obviously there's Kara," adds Chloe. Jimmy says that this wasn't about her. He wishes it didn't take a near-death experience for Chloe to tell him the truth. He asks why Chloe thought he wouldn't accept her. Chloe says that the real battle was accepting herself. Jimmy tries to lighten the mood by asking whether her power has anything to do with her supersized brain. Chloe says that her nerd is all-natural. Jimmy thinks that she can fly. Nope, not that one either. Chloe looks around to make sure nobody's watching. She tells Jimmy to watch. She takes his napkin off his bloody finger. Chloe closes her eyes and puts her hands over the finger. Her hands glow orange. Sweet music plays. Chloe looks sad about all this. Then she jerks suddenly. She pulls away, and Jimmy's finger is healed. Chloe shakes her hand like it hurt her. He asks where Chloe was when he played ninth-grade rugby. Chloe says that the side effects aren't worth a trophy. He asks if she's all right. Chloe says that she's fine, but she looks a little ill. She asks if they can keep this between themselves and Chloe's Neosporin. Jimmy promises. He says that she's still the same Chloe. They hug. Chloe finally looks happy. She breathes a sigh of relief. Jimmy stares at his healed finger.
Commercials. Ever since Campbell's Chunky Soup teamed up with the NFL, I feel like the soup has gotten a little bit of attitude. Try as you might, chunky soup, but you still can't kick my ass. Not anymore, anyway.
Lair of Lex. A woman is presenting him with some acquisition documents. She says that, as of midnight, the paper will belong to Lex. Lex wants names and bios of everyone on staff. He suggests that it's time to get rid of some dead wood. Boy Editor enters the room, annoyed at Lex. "Wonderful," he says sarcastically, "one more piece of my life you can control, starting with my creation." Lex is still pretending that Adrian was crazy and that what he said wasn't true, insisting, "You're my brother." Boy Editor says that he's an experiment. He thinks that Lex's cracks are starting to show. Maybe he needs new pants. Boy Editor asks whether Lex really thought he could keep this a secret, or if it was worth the risk to mean something to someone. "You can't punish me for wanting a family," says Lex calmly. Boy Editor doesn't exactly like being close to someone who destroys everything he touches. Lex says that his brother is different. "If I didn't love you, you wouldn't be here," Lex says. Boy Editor says that he's living proof that Lex has forgotten how to love. He asks Lex to remember God's greatest gift: free will. I though it was naked babes in the Garden of Eden. Boy Editor asks Lex to let him live his life. He walks out before Lex can answer.
The apartment at The Talon. The apartment is decorated with lights, tinsel at the bar, and a Christmas tree. Lois sits on the floor, cutting a piece of paper. There's a knock at the door. It's Boy Editor. Lois thinks she's fired. Sad girly emo music plays. Lois says that she just finished putting the bells and whistles on her résumé. "I would hire me in a second," she says. She was making her résumé with scissors? I sure hope Lois is serious about self-employment. Boy Editor says that Lois isn't fired. He tells her Lex specifically requested she stay on the team. She says that she can't wait to see Lex dull his shredder with her stories. "You want to bury the truth, buy the media," he replies. Lois seductively says that since he showed up in person, he must be ready to spread some good news. Is that what she's calling her legs these days? She asks whether the house call means they're coming out. Boy Editor says it actually means they're breaking up. Lois is a little surprised, and tries to talk it off. Boy Editor says that the events of the day show why it's not a good idea that they stay together. He says it's too complicated. Lois mopes that she didn't even drag him to all the places where she usually messes up her relationships. He rubs it in that whomever she ends up with will be a lucky guy. Really? Perhaps he'll be the unluckiest man who ever lived ! Lois promises that she sure won't be working with that guy. She asks how they're going to do this: she asks if she'll take the stairs and he'll take the elevator. He tells her not to be ridiculous: "I'll take the stairs." He leans forward for a kiss. Lois stops him with her hand. He backs away and leaves her there. Lois gets teary.
Kent farm, daytime. The horses wish they were indoors. Chloe is on the couch with Clark. She's deciphered the hex code, and tells him to consider it a gift for channeling his inner Bruce Willis. Clark apologizes for taking so long to get to the elevator: "I don't know where I'd be without you." Chloe says that she missed Clark. Chloe says that the hex code didn't make sense to her, but the computer deciphered it just fine. It's an error message a computer makes when it can't boot up. Clark says it's repeating. The computer keeps trying to start. Chloe thinks the sequence is learning from its mistakes and getting closer to loading. Clark looks worried. He says that the black liquid is evolving into a technology that can kill. He says that it's the Brain-Interactive Construct. Brainiac! Chloe asks whether he thinks this is Milton Fine. She says that Clark turned of General Zod's PDA after he spread his computer virus to the world. Clark says that if any part of Fine was left behind, it could be out there, regenerating. Lana arrives, carrying coffee and treats. Chloe says that she was just leaving. Lana asks if Chloe wants to stay; she says she overloaded on Danishes. Chloe says that Lois is taking her out for breakfast: she deemed it National Chloe Sullivan Day. Can't they all go out for breakfast together? Chloe says that she'll call Clark. Clark asks what the occasion is. For coffee and Danishes? Clark is super-deprived. Lana says it's to celebrate Clark's return from the Fortress. She says that Christmas came early this year. Clark says that he missed that smile. "Me too," says Lana. She hasn't looked in a mirror in weeks. Lana says that she worried she'd scare Clark away with all the information she shared the day before. Now, she's never felt closer. Clark says he realized while he was gone that good or bad feelings don't just disappear, no matter who you are. Uh, thanks? Lana asks if they're still talking about Lex. "I'm talking about us," he says. He gets closer to her. He says that when he saw her in the barn the day before, he felt like he was falling in love with her again for the first time. They kiss. Then hug. We look over Lana's shoulder at Clark's face. It suddenly flashes in the pattern of Bizarro Clark. Scary!
We cut to the Fortress of Solitude. Clark is encased in a huge block of ice. Hey, Clark: Ice to see you. Why don't you chill out until next year? What Bizarro did to you was coooooold-blooded! I got a million of these, folks.
And that's it. Have a safe and happy holiday and New Year's. I'll see you in January when we sort through this unholy mess. But we'll do it merrily!