Siren
Updated 2008-04-18 19:24:02
It's nighttime at The Daily Planet , and apparently, it's not the paper that never sleeps. Chloe is at her desk, typing by a meager desk lamp, as another employee leaves, making her the last person in the building. I may be wrong here, but I think the guy exiting is our anonymous, yet dapper, openly gay staffer . Golf snaps! (Snap, snap.) Anyway, the paper must be in dire straits if they can't afford to keep a few fluorescent lights on at night and have had to fire all the security staff. Chloe is using some sort of terminal program to hack into...someplace? She bypasses a server and intercepts a file transfer, which is almost as exciting to watch as it is to type about. Suddenly, we cut to a set of eyes. There's black makeup around them, and funky, birdlike red and yellow feather-looking paint around the edges. This is either high fashion or the "Hungry Like the Wolf" video . Chloe is being watched from above even as the screen reads, "FILE INTERCEPTED!" "Got it," says Chloe. She's wearing a dorky little Bluetooth headset. On screen, we see, "Burning to DVD." "DVD"? Why do that when you could just stick a file on a thumb drive? Simplify, man! She tells the person on the other end of her Bluetooth headset that of course she deleted her tracks: this isn't the first time she's done something like this. The woman with the crazy makeup is also wearing fishnets, and has a bunch of knives strapped in holsters around her leg. She pulls one out as Chloe grabs the DVD from the computer's disc tray. A small dagger lands on Chloe's desk, near her hand. Chloe flees, calling for help. Oh, Chloe, she'll never find you with that big blue light flashing next to your ear. Chloe gets into an elevator. We see flashes of Canary Eyes, as well as pieces of her ridiculous outfit, which is made up of tight padded leather and stockings. Was this part of that wrestling divas challenge on Project Runway ? The woman throws another dagger, and we follow as it flies toward Chloe in the elevator. It sails in slow motion, past the doors, and hits the wall right next to Chloe's head.
Then Chloe is on the roof. She tells her compadre on the phone where she is, and asks if this isn't the part where they're supposed to save her. Instead, the woman with the daggers appears behind and above Chloe. She's got short blonde hair, bright red lipstick, and that crazy black painted-on mask across her eyes. "No pepper spray?" she asks Chloe. The bird-lady flips off from her perch and lands in front of Chloe, warning her that the city is a dangerous place. Fishnet Eyegunk makes a half-circle around Chloe instead of walking right toward her. Chloe offers her wallet. Fishnet pulls out another short dagger and warns Chloe about taking something that doesn't belong to her. "Finders keepers," we hear a deep voice tell the woman. Hey, it's Oliver/Green Arrow! He's wearing his hood and sunglasses. He pulls back on his bow, pointing an arrow right at Fishnet, saying that he likes the look: "Italian?" Really? You like it? Because it's not so great, man. Maybe you're just lonely. He fires his arrow and pins the woman against the brick wall behind her; she has to take off her leather jacket to get loose. Not that we're complaining. Green Arrow and Fishnet both ready their weapons to attack. As Green Arrow fires, Fishnet opens her mouth, and giant sound waves come out. I'm not sure we're supposed to see those, since they're sound waves. The waves -- which sound like a gassy whale -- hit the approaching trio of arrows, making them fall. The woman cuts Chloe's bag, leg sweeps her, and then grabs the DVD. Green Arrow tries to tackle Fishnet, but she's got some wire-fu going. She leaps and improbably flies up to a high ledge. She turns and gives Green Arrow and Chloe a saucy look. Then she jumps off the roof. We see that a rope is attached to her, and we follow it down, and then back up to where Chloe and Green Arrow are standing and watching. Chloe has a gash on her cheek. Green Arrow takes off his glasses and looks at Chloe. "We were barely introduced," he says. My wife thinks Oliver and Chloe should date. I can hardly disagree.
Opening credits. Commercials. Oh, precious iPhone. You are even sweeter now that you are in my possession.
Kent Farm, mornin'-time. Lana pours herself some coffee. She's got millions of dollars she stole from Lex and she worked for years at a coffeehouse, but she's willing to settle for this crap-ass Mr. Coffee mud? Proof that Lana has never developed any taste of her own. Clark comes clomping down the stairs, adjusting his watch. "Good morning," Lana tells him, warmly. Roughly, Clark says, "Hi." At least he didn't go all aggressive on her: "Good morning? Is it REALLY!? You're having a good morning? Well, awesome, because I stayed up all night lying next to a woman who slept for weeks with a fucking alien phantom ! A phantom who wore my awesome clothes ! So you'll excuse me if I'm not having the Best Morning Ever! Fuck! Pass me the shitty coffee!" Clark goes to the itty-bitty refrigerator to grab a giant jug of orange juice, and almost knocks Lana down when he turns too quickly. They awkwardly try to navigate around each other; Clark does everything he can not to look Lana in the eye. When he does, it's all shifty. "Well, I'm off," says Lana. Clark resists the urge to yell, "Off of what? The tip of Bizarro's cock !?" Instead, Clark barely acknowledges that she's leaving. Lana makes a scowling face and goes off to do pretty, pretty things. Clark doesn't bother to watch her go. God, this orange juice is so bitter now. I hate Florida.
Metropolis. Airplane's-eye view of The Daily Planet building. Lois is walking through the newsroom holding some files. She asks someone to hold the doors of the elevator. Inside is a comely woman wearing a dark wig, rockin' the Bettie Page look. Lois gives her a bitchy look. I don't see a hole in the elevator wall from the night before. Lois identifies the woman as "Dinah Lance." Lois, not one to be judgmental, calls her the "right-wing hawk of the airwaves," and asks if she's all dressed up because she's going to an execution. Dinah, who's wearing a ring on a chain around her neck, says that if Lois did any fact-checking, she'd know the state outlawed those years ago. It's true! No, not the bit about executions; it's true that Lois is a dumbshit. Dinah and Lois keep being jerky to each other. Dinah tries a right jab at Lois by telling her that her "limousine liberal Casanova" has resurfaced, "minus a certain shrill arm trophy." She hands Lois a copy of a newspaper (it's hard to tell if it's the style section of The Planet or a tabloid) with the headline, "Billionaire boy back in town." Gracing the story is a picture of a smiling Oliver Queen with a hot woman watching him. The story is six inches long and has three subheads. Somebody was really trying to fill up that space. Dinah walks out of the elevator, which didn't seem to go anywhere. Lois, bested, looks upset.
Chloe's desk. She's looking at photos of blonde lady criminals in a Metropolis Police Department database. Chloe has a scrape high on her right cheek that she hasn't bothered to bandage. The camera swivels around to reveal Clark, wearing his silly blue jacket indoors. "Looking for a new hairdo?" he asks. No, Chloe's already had them all. "Lemme guess: ham and Swiss?" she asks. Is that Clark's new nickname, like " Big Tuna "? "Your favorite," says Clark. "No, actually, not at all," Chloe tells him. Apparently, Clark brought her a sandwich (which we never actually see) and keeps forgetting that Chloe doesn't like ham and Swiss, which she's mentioned three times in the past week. What about that titanium trap mind ? I guess Clark only remembers important stuff, like where he puts weird Kryptonian artifacts and which enemies Lana has boinked. Clark doesn't apologize; he just begins to whine that he can't stay in the house knowing that the phantom was living his life there for over a month. He can't believe Lana couldn't tell the difference. "And then she tells him that they belong together," he says, in disbelief. He wonders if Lana doesn't feel that way about him anymore, and stares off into the middle distance. Chloe, light in tone, says that Lana has changed a lot since high school. Clark mopily says that he doesn't want to talk about this anymore. Chloe apologizes for not being the one who brought it up. Clark asks if she's had any luck finding Brainiac. Chloe, still very chirpy, says that she hasn't found anything since Clark asked last, which was the day before. He asks what happened to her face. They've made a huge circle, walking around the newsroom and back to her desk. Still smiling, Chloe asks if Clark just noticed the scrape. It's like Clark and Chloe are in two very different scenes: one comedic and one overly dramatic. Clark presses Chloe on what happened. Chloe reveals that she's been doing a little sidekicking for Oliver. "WHAT?!" demands Clark. SHE SAYS SHE'S BEEN DOING A LITTLE SIDEKICKING FOR OLIVER! TURN ON YOUR CLOSED CAPTIONING! Chloe says thta she has to pay her bills, and that working for Clark is pretty pro bono. Chloe likes Bono as much as the next girl, but damn, Clark. Throw a girl a nickel sometime. Clark thinks this is dangerous. Chloe says that it's just internet interception, but this time it led to a ninja lady attacking her. Chloe says she almost got beheaded, but that the girl rappelled over the building, which she thinks was "pretty smokin' cool." Clark has no room for smokin' cool in his life, even if it's just a bag of Doritos. He grimaces: "Who was she?"
Oliver's clock-tower apartment. Clark shows up, via elevator, and before even saying "hi," he spits, "You put Chloe in danger!" Diplomatic much? Oliver notes the lack of welcome and camaraderie. Clark angrily tells Oliver that if he and his crew want to put their lives in danger, that's Kool Moe Dee , but "not Chloe!" He says that smart doesn't help you when someone's trying to attack you on a rooftop. Has smart ever helped Clark ever ? Oliver says that their "leather-fetish mystery woman" probably wasn't trying to kill Chloe. Clark thinks that Chloe shouldn't have been in danger. Oliver, who makes a lot more sense than Clark, says that Chloe is in danger when she's by Clark's side like every other week. Clark accuses Oliver of being selfish. Oliver gets annoyed and says that Clark isn't giving up time with special people to go out into the world and make a difference. Yeah! "You sit around in domestic bliss curled up on a couch while a world of trouble spins outside your door!" All right, that wasn't the most eloquent little speech, but you have to give Oliver points for accuracy. Clark is mad. He sighs and walks to the balcony, aksing about the blonde woman and her sound waves. Oliver thinks she has some sort of sound frequency control. Clark asks about the files Chloe stole. Oliver says that the file was a photo they intercepted from Lex's latest project. Oliver thinks Lex might have a blonde sidekick of his own. Rocky Horror? Clark has to really think about that. It hurts like a mutha.
Lair of Lex. Fishnet Lady sits, in costume, in Lex's desk chair, holding the DVD in her gloved hands. Lex walks in, saying that he usually doesn't like it when people sit there, but right now he's distracted. She makes some noise about not liking the morally murky, but that she's willing to work for Lex because even the rich don't deserve to be robbed. She shows him the disc and says that he's a lucky man. Lex trades an envelope of money for the disc. Fishnet tells Lex that she had a run-in with Green Arrow. Lex asks if she can find him again. "If I had a good reason," she says. Lex says that Green Arrow and his crew have been breaking into his factories and setting off bombs; he says that they belong in jail. Lex promises to make it worth her while if she brings him Green Arrow. She seems agreeable.
The ridiculous Isis Foundation. Lana is signing a form for one of her employees and wearing glasses. Papa Luthor appears at the door to the office, and Lana tries to look important. Papa says that he's been calling the farm, but that no one answers. He says that it's like the place has been abandoned. "Or we have Caller ID," Lana tries to snark. Doesn't he have Clark's cell-phone number? Papa Luthor says that the editor of the paper has been shot. And killed. Both things. Both bad. Lana guesses that Papa must think Lex did it. He says he thinks that's why Lex bought the paper. Huh? That makes no sense, dude. Lana, still wearing the severe glasses, says that the beauty of divorce is that she no longer has to hide Lex's baggage. Papa says that he doesn't want to cover it up; he wants proof, and thinks Lana can get some spy footage for him. Lana asks why she'd help Papa Luthor. Papa brings up the LuthorCorp employee he says Lana was holding hostage. She says that she was trying to help the woman. Papa asks how bypassing the hospital worked out for Lana. He says that she died, and that Lana was willing to tell Bizarro about it, but not Clark. Papa starts to leave. "Call me when you're ready for movie night," he says. We can watch Harold And Kumar !
Commercials. Paulie Walnuts eats at Denny's? That just makes me sad.
Ground's-eye view of the revolving-door entrance of The Daily Planet . Inside, we're still on the ground. A pair of shapely legs are walking around the newsroom. They turn out to belong to Dinah. She walks to a desk in the newsroom and quickly picks the cheap top-drawer lock. Inside is a Treo smartphone. Who leaves a smartphone, turned on, inside a locked desk drawer? Chloe, that's who (apparently). Dinah pulls up a screen that shows the last call. It is neatly labeled "Oliver Queen." Nice stealth there, Chloe. No password, even? Dinah puts the phone back in the drawer and doesn't bother to lock it or hide her handiwork. And what nice handiwork it was.
We cut to Lana's Lame Station Zebra, where she's going through speedily fast-forwarded footage of Lex at the mansion. Lana, wearing a strange, sleeveless turtleneck (what cruel world is this !?), is working in the dark. Clark wanders in, walking through the unlocked front door of the Isis Foundation, and sheepishly says he was hoping Lana could help him. He hands over a sketch of Fishnet. Who drew it? It's not like Oliver and Chloe went to the police. Clark says that the woman attacked Chloe; he wonders if Lana might know of any connection she'd have to Lex. Lana, not bothering to ask how Chloe is doing, goes all bitter. She says that everybody was ready to call her Lady Macbeth when she started watching Lex. Now, she says, Clark is the second person to ask for her help that day. "The second person?" asks Clark. Lana doesn't recognize the woman from the old footage. "I would have recognized the mask," she says. Well... yeah . Clark, mopey, says thanks anyway.
Clark starts to leave, but Lana uses the opportunity to confess to Clark about the woman who was infected by Brainiac and how Lana took care of her until she died. Lana says that the woman's mind was already gone: "We were just looking for clues." Clark asks her to define "we." It was her and Bizarro Clark. Clark asks why Lana is bothering to tell him now. Lana says that Papa Luthor was holding it over her head. Clark is really pissy as he says that Lana only confides in him when she's being threatened. Lana, losing her cool, says she doesn't know what else to say to Clark: "I thought that he was you !" Clark doesn't buy that bullshit. He says that Lana is supposed to know him better than anyone. Lana says that Clark is with her now. He asks if it wasn't easier with Bizarro. Lana admits that it was. She says that he was more affectionate and more understanding, and asks if that's what Clark wants to hear. She says that she can't even look at Clark without him taking it the wrong way. He whispers, "Because you're looking at me like you wish I was someone else." Ouch. Three points! Lana gulps and licks her lips. She says that every bad move she's made has been answered with a hypocritical judgment from Clark. She says that no one can live up to Clark's "self-righteous standards," and asks if he knows how it feels to wake up every morning and know you're going to fail in the eyes of the only person you've ever really loved. So she didn't love several serious boyfriends and a husband before Clark? Were they just training wheels? Man. Lana sucks. "And you're the one who fell for Lex...and then fell for that killer," says Clark, pretty viciously. Lana's eyes fill with tears, and she looks away. Clark goes, but not before turning back and adding more salt to the wound: "I don't think it's me you can't face."
Clock tower at night. Lois is in an elevator. She's muttering to herself like a crazy woman...which...I guess...she is! The elevator door opens on Oliver's penthouse, where he's walking around without a shirt. Lois is like, "Whu whu whu WOW!" She breathes heavily and tells herself this is gonna be harder than she thought. Uh, Lois? We can hear you. So can Oliver. She walks right up to him and slaps him across the face, tellign him that's for breaking her heart. Aren't you dating Boy Editor, Lois? Who just died? Shouldn't you be mourning or something? Wasn't his death pretty public for an ace reporter not to know about it? WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS DAMN SHOW!? "Really?" asks Oliver. He says it feels more like it was for not calling when he got back into town. Lois tells him that slap will come when he least expects it. What are you, the Slap Bet Commissioner , now? Lois asks Oliver to put on a shirt. She notices a candlelit dinner all set up nearby, and thinks that's why he removed her from his speed dial. Oliver, who has put on a shirt but refuses to button it up, asks how Lois's habit of jumping to conclusions is working out for her. Lois says that it's a huge time-saver. Oliver says that the dinner was for Lois: he knew she'd come. And if she hadn't, he'd have been on her doorstep. He's pretty talented to be able to transport dinner and a bunch of lit candles. Oliver says that he missed Lois. Good God, why ? He starts to put the moves on her and get up close. Lois pretends that his moves won't work, but she says his whole shirtless routine was dead-on. Oliver says that she was all he could think about. They kiss. Briefly. Then they do it again. Lois notices Fishnet over on the balcony. She gets mad and thinks Oliver was hiding Fishnet. Oliver tells Lois to get down. They dive as Fishet lets out a might bellow that breaks all the windows. Glass flies everywhere. Even the windows hiding Oliver's Green Arrow arsenal shatter. Fishnet strides in. Oliver is unconscious. Lois tries to wake him up. As she sits up, she sees the weapons. Fishnet comes over and punches Lois in the face, knocking her out, too. Score one for leather and blondes!
Commercials. Girlicious ? Seems like that's missing a few syllables.
Back at the Clock Tower. Fishnet is still walking around, looking triumphant, as Oliver and Lois sit back-to-back, each tied to a chair. Oliver says Lois's name, but she tells him not to even think about looking at her right now. Which is good, because he really can't. Lois asks, in the most annoying, convoluted way possible, why Oliver never thought to tell her that he was Green Arrow. Oliver jokes that he doesn't usually bring a compound bow on his nightly vigilante rounds. Lois can't believe he didn't tell her. "Hard to imagine why when you're taking it so well," Oliver snarks. Lois won't shut up. This will have consequences soon. Lois remembers that she kissed Green Arrow while Oliver was standing with her in the alley last year. Oliver says he remembers that detail precisely. Lois is mad that he arranged for all of that to happen. Fishnet kicks Lois across the face to shut her up, and I cheer loudly. "Ugh, how do you put up with that?" Fishnet asks Oliver. Two things; chest level. Oliver asks what Fishnet wants, and says he hopes they just started off on the wrong foot. Fishnet says that he can save the charm for his squawking parrot. (By which she means Lois.) Oliver offers to pay Fishnet. She thinks he doesn't understand justice, and asks what goes through the mind of a terrorist when he sets off a bomb in a factory. Oliver says that he and his crew have never hurt a single person, and that the factories aren't making "Christmas toys for girls and boys." Oliver bellows that he's the good guy. "Isn't everybody?" asks Fishnet, after a moment's hesitation. She calls Lex on her cell phone and tells him that if he wants "[his] boy," he needs to initiate a wire transfer. His boy? Oh my. Oliver, using a tiny sharp knife, stealthily starts to work at his binding ropes.
Daily Planet . Chloe stands by the copy machine. As Clark walks in, Chloe says that she's waving the white flag. Clark apologizes for being so hard on her for the Oliver thing. Chloe says that they could all breathe easier if they could find "Blonde Ambition." Chloe says that she has no leads. "Lana might," says Clark. "Twist," Chloe responds. Lame twist. Clark says that Lana's been able to keep track of Lex's projects by piggybacking on the Luthor mansion server. Chloe rolls her eyes like she was being stupid for not thinking of that herself. Oy. Making Lana smarter than Chloe is just wrong on so many levels. Chloe figures out that Fishnet must have known what was happening because she was also on the Daily Planet server. Clark asks whether Chloe can figure out how to find the people logged on the server the night before. Chloe disses herself for dropping the ball as the go-to girl, and gives Lana praise as the new-and-improved model. Such blasphemy. Blasphemy, I say! Clark says that Lana did come through, but that he's not about to let Oliver poach "the best sidekick in town." Chloe smiles at that. She looks up the paper's logs and finds that Dinah Lance was the only person in the system the night before. A paper with resources and correspondents all over the world with only one person logged into the entire network? I call bullshit. Again. Clark doesn't see the connection. Chloe asks why Dinah's being brunette makes a difference. She says that the villain could be as blonde as Chloe really is. So Chloe admits to dyeing? Interesting. Chloe magically Photoshops a blonde wig on Dinah. "Canary yellow," says Chloe. "Maybe we should call her the Yellow Raven." Clark thinks that "Black Canary" has a better ring to it. Chloe thinks that the secret identity makes sense because Dinah has a hardline view of crime and comes from a family of cops. Chloe starts tapping away, hacking into Dinah's computer. She finds a bank transfer from the Bank of Metropolis happening at that moment. Why would Dinah be doing all this stuff through her work computer? Clark asks whether Chloe can interrupt the transfer. She does, giving Clark a playful look.
In another part of the building, Black Canary (ironic name for a white chick?) lands dramatically from what must have been eight feet up. Was she stuck to the ceiling tiles? You know, when you're indoors, you really don't need to hop around like that. Save it for the rooftops, sister. There's a new sign that reads "LEX LUTHOR CEO." She walks toward the door by the sign, but Clark whooshes in and stands in her way. She thinks that Clark is one of "Green Bean's" little accomplices; now that he's tied up, Clark's out of work. Eh, not so much. Clark asks what Black Canary did with Oliver. She cocks her head to the side like a curious...canary, I guess. Clark says that Lex is the bad guy here. Black Canary says that even rich guys who buy the press deserve some justice. She's convinced that she's on the right side, even as she calls Clark "Studboy." The stud boy ? Really? She lets slip that she knows Green Arrow's real identity. Clark warns her to do her research. He asks why a rich person like Oliver would waste his time stealing files from Lex: "What line did Lex feed you?" Black Canary looks confused for a moment, and then says that Lex told her they were stealing trade secrets from his plants. Clark guesses that she doesn't know what was in those factories. She tries to walk past Clark. He stops her and asks Oliver's location. Dude, have you tried his apartment? Because he's right there . She tries to spin-kick Clark in the chest, but it just rebounds her backward. She falls and slides. Clark disappears and reappears in front of her. Black Canary does her sonic growl. Clark unwisely uses his superhearing to blast his own eardrums. He holds his hands over his ears, in pain. Everything goes bright and slow-motion. Clark falls. It hurts so much. It's like hearing Al and Miles talk about future plans for the show. Make it stop! It finally does. Clark's ear is bleeding, improbably.
Commercials. Oh, President Palmer . I still love you, even when you're still shilling for Allstate.
LuthorCorp. Lana is poking around in Papa Luthor's office. She finds a fancy envelope sealed with maroon wax. It looks like the letter "V," but I could be wrong. Lana runs her finger over the seal. Papa Luthor enters. "Well, aren't you clever? You managed to sneak in," he says. He asks whether she found anything interesting. Does Lana ever find anything interesting? Lana says that she didn't find anything linking Lex to Boy Editor's death, because she's not looking. Couldn't she have sent that as a text message? "Sry, nt intrstd - try pvt. vstgatr. Snd pzza." Papa, visibly frustrated, says that Lana's been lying to Clark. Lana says that Clark knows everything. Yeah, that's not entirely accurate. The stuff Clark doesn't know could fill a million encyclopedias. She says that Clark will know everything from now on. He's going to get Hooked on Knowledge. Lana says that Papa Luthor's cards are now off the table. Taking off his coat, Papa says, for like the billionth time, that Lana adopted more than just the Luthor name. Lana looks bored. Papa asks what happened to bringing Lex to justice. Lana says that justice sometimes comes at too high a price. She isn't willing to sacrifice her relationship with Clark to make Lex pay for his sins. Papa asks why she came. "I went to the edge and Clark pulled me back," says Lana. "I'm trying to do the same for you." Papa can't believe that Lana has his best interests at heart. Especially after she did a Misery on him . Lana says that it's not about him. It's about Lana! It's always about Lana! What show did you think you were on? Lana says that she's trying to change and be honest. She wants to be the kind of person that Clark can love again. "What game are you playing?" asks Papa. Lana says that Lex is proof of what obsession can do. Papa says that he knows his son better than Lana does. "No you don't!" she snaps. She tells him to be careful. Papa is uncharacteristically silent. He got p0wned by Lana? Please tell me I'm just imagining things.
Clock tower. Everything's broken. Lois is still tied up as Clark and Chloe enter. Clark asks what happened. "This crazy woman attacked us!" says Lois. Chloe notices all the exposed weaponry. Chloe asks why someone would attack Lois and Oliver. "Hey!" says Lois, grabbing Chloe and trying to divert her attention away from the arsenal. She mentions the spectacular view in a dumbshit attempt to hide Oliver's identity. "The view?" asks Chloe. She turns back toward the bows and arrows. Lois blabs about Oliver's hydraulic walk-in closet and says that it must be laundry day. Huh? Make sense, woman! Lois jokes about Oliver's archery hobby, and says she'd hide her quiver in the closet, too. The pain. Oh, God, the pain in my brain. Clark asks where Oliver went. She says she doesn't know. After she woke up, Oliver was gone.
Lair of Lex. Black Canary, in her crazy costume, strides in. Lex, upstairs, says that it looks like she forgot a little green something at home. She says she won't hand Green Arrow over until Lex can prove how bad he is. Lex walks downstairs, saying that the plant break-ins would seem to be sufficient. She says that she's been doing some research: Lex's auto parts factory doesn't sell any auto parts and his tech factory doesn't distribute computers. Lex says that Black Canary has been buying into Green Arrow's propaganda. Canary has figured out that she's on the wrong side. She thinks that Lex was never going to hand Green Arrow over to the police. Without a word, Lex walks behind his desk, whips out a pistol, and points it at Black Canary. He says that he's not much for philosophical debate; he wants what he paid for. Canary says that she's not handing over Green Arrow. Lex fires the gun. It hits Black Canary in the left shoulder, knocking her down. "Where is he?" asks Lex. "Look over your shoulder," says a deep voice. Lex spins, and Green Arrow is there. They begin slap-fighting. Lex fires the gun, but misses. A henchman walks in the doorway just in time to get shot in the chest with one of Green Arrow's little arrows. More firing and slapping. It's the Gayest Fight of the Episode. Lex does a little pirouette. Wow. This isn't exactly The Matrix . It's not even one of those straight-to-video Van Damme jobs. Lex keeps firing his gun and missing. Another henchman walks in. Black Canary has recovered enough to grab his arm and take him out. I guess that wasn't much of a bullet wound. Green Arrow cracks Lex's arm and throws him, making him slide across the floor. Lex reaches for a second gun. He stands, holding them both. Green Arrow fires while Lex fires while Canary throws a knife. Everything freezes as Clark appears. He looks around and decides just to run across the scene, knocking bullets and weaponry out of the air. Clark sees a knife flying toward Lex and a bullet flying toward Canary. He only has time to knock one of them away. Clark decides to save Canary, pulling her out of the way. Lex lands with a crash. He is stabbed. He looks up at Green Arrow. "Better luck next time, Lex," Green Arrow tells him, walking right past the angry billionaire. Lex looks around the room and sees that everyone is gone. Surely, he suspects Clark.
Clock tower, daytime. Oliver picks up the photo of himself as a boy, being held by his parents. The picture frame is broken. He brushes away the glass and sets the photo up on his desk. He wanders around all the broken glass, staring at his weapons. "Oliver? Slash Green Arrow? Any other hyphenates I need to know about?" Lois asks. He says that's pretty much the biggie, and apologizes. He says that he never meant to hide his identity from Lois. Lois gets it. She says she knows Oliver was trying to protect her, and that it clears up a lot. She says it never made sense that he could blow off a hottie like her. He chuckles and says that's true. Getting serious, he says that, now that she knows, he was hoping they could work things out. He starts to make excuses for his commitments and says that on the weekends they could...you know...hang. He asks Lois to give him another chance, promising, "I can make this work." Lois says that she can't. She doesn't think she can keep a secret, and she's no good at long-distance relationships. Lois breaks down and says that the real reason she can't is because she's selfish. She doesn't want to share Oliver with the rest of the world. She doesn't think she'd be good at "the whole dual-identity thing." She cries and hugs him. Oliver's pretty sad. He watches her go to the elevator. Lois looks wistful as the door closes. Awww. For once, I feel bad for dumbshit Lois.
Commercials. It's time to do your taxes! As if this season hasn't been depressing enough.
The Talon, nighttime. Lois is in the apartment she presumably still shares with Chloe. The door isn't locked when Clark opens it. "Enter at your own caloric risk," says Lois. She's over by the fireplace, eating from a carton of ice cream. Clark asks how she's doing. Lois says she was hoping the metaphorically apt "Rocky Road" would help, but nada. Clark shoves his hands in his pockets, but he does it sympathetically. Lois says that she thought Boy Editor would help her get over Oliver (again, we're presuming that she doesn't know about his untimely death, or she wouldn't be so insensitive). She says that the moment she saw Oliver again, her feelings bubbled right back up. Clark wonders if things might still work out between the two of them. Lois says she knows Oliver better than Clark does, and that there are parts of him that Clark's never seen. Clark makes a face out of Lois's view. "That's a given," he says, trying to be funny. Lois says that Oliver has a side of him she's not sure she can live with. Clark wonders if she shouldn't give it a try. Lois says that she and Oliver are not Clark and Lana -- they're not the perfect couple, destined to be together. (Cough, cough, cough. I think I'm hacking up a hairball of truth.) Clark says that it isn't like Lois to give up when things get challenging. Lois says that this is different: her dad was a general (really? We hadn't heard) and that his job was always a lot more important than being a father. She understood that, but says that Oliver's life is challenging, too. Clark says that just because someone's life has "great responsibility," it doesn't mean Lois has to take second place. How about a distant third or fourth? "Of course is does, Clark," she says. Lois, really getting emotional, asks whether Clark knows what it's like to be with someone whose destiny is so much greater than yours that you'll never compete: "You will always be left behind." Acting! Clark squints with empathy, saying that would be hard for anyone. Lois, teary, says that she won't be left behind again. She says that there isn't room in Oliver's life for her where he's going. She knows that he'd never admit that, so she had to do it herself. She cries: "I can't face another heartbreak down the road." For once, Lois makes sense, acts on logic, and talks like a normal person. What have you done with the real Lois? Clark hugs her. Lois cries on Clark's shoulder. "Why settle for hot, rich, and famous when I can hang out with you?" Lois jokes. Clark smiles. Stop making me like you, Lois! It's annoying!
A Metropolis rooftop at night. There's a full moon. Clark joins Oliver. They both got a message from "Blondie." Clark says that he spoke to Lois, and that he's sorry about what happened. Clark wonders if Lois might get used to the whole dual-identity thing someday. "Like when?" Oliver asks. "When the Earth cracks open and time ticks backward?" Oh, clunk. Dinah shows up, wearing a black trenchcoat and matching wig, and thanks the two of them for coming. They hadn't gotten that far yet, sorry. She says that she has to eat a little crow: "Is it too late to ask for an apology?" "Apology accepted," says Clark. Uh, Clark...she was asking for an apology. Unless she misspoke, you're supposed to apologize to her . Maybe she misspoke. Silly bird. Dinah says that she won't be freelancing for Lex anymore, and that she's hanging up her fishnets. She says that she was out of her league, and will stick to being the Word of Justice on the airwaves. Oliver thinks it's a waste of talent. Clark thinks that Oliver and his crew could use a den mother. Uh, sexist much, Clark? Dinah says that she's not much of a team player. "That's perfect. You'll fit right in," Oliver says. Dinah asks about Clark. She says that ricocheting bullets off his back should earn him the secret handshake. Clark shakes his head. "Maybe someday," he says. Oliver leads Dinah away, saying that he has some people for her to meet. Dinah tells Oliver that he has lousy taste in women. Ouch! Give a brother some space! That one stings. Clark watches them go. He smiles.
Kent Farm at night. Lana is in the kitchen, packing up a tiny bag of her things. Emo music begins to play. Clark enters the kitchen and sees her. They exchange testy "hi"s. Lana says that she talked to Chloe and plans to stay with her for a few days. Isn't it a little crowded over there with Chloe and lovesick Lois? Why not get a hotel or go stay with Nell? Is Lana still sixteen years old? She's a millionaire divorcee, fer cryin' out loud. Lana starts to go. Clark blurts, " I stole a Lamborghini. " He says that he broke into a bank of ATMs and stole a bunch of money. He ripped off a bunch of bank vault doors. He fails to mention that all this was all under the effect of a red Kryptonite ring. Clark says that he's not perfect, and that he knows it's hard for her to live with him. Especially with the double-sided life he lives. Lana warms considerably. She says that she's been a "two-headed hydra" herself lately. Isn't that, by definition, not a hydra ? Clark says it's funny that you can have all the right motives, but still do all the wrong things. Ha! Hilarious! Comedy! Lana wishes she knew how they ended up here. Might I direct you to seven seasons worth or recaps? I am painfully fucking aware of exactly how we got here. It was a trail of tears, my friend. Lana says that she is still committed to "us." Clark thinks Lana doubts that he feels the same. Lana thinks he does indeed doubt that she's the one he'll end up with. Aren't they like nineteen or twenty years old? Shouldn't they stop worrying about committing to a relationship for the rest of their lives? Live, damn you, live! Clark looks worried and called-out. He says that he can't tell the future and doesn't know what's going to happen between them. He promises that he'll do everything he can to make sure they can trust each other again. Lana nods. Clark is so romantic. Clark says that he doesn't want this to be over. Does that mean a Season 8? Clark and Lana gaze at each other. No kiss. No hug. Instead, we cut outside to some cows grazing. They wonder what'll happen if there's five more episodes than planned this season. More grass?
Next week: Clark is inside Lex's head. Which I guess is just payback for all the times Lex's head was inside Clark.